A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK
by The Recapper of Badassery
Summary: A recap of Star Trek. Is it accurate? BARELY. Is it fun? I HOPE SO. Is is safe-for-work? NOT UNLESS YOU'RE A SAILOR. Will it kill about and hour or two of your time? PROBABLY. Do you have that kind of time to waste? YES.
1. Chapter 1

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK**

_A few months ago, I got bored and watched Jurassic Park and recapped the whole thing. This month, I got bored...and I will now recap Star Trek. There will be swearing, there will be fangirling, there will be squealing, there will be inappropriate jokes, there will be confusion as to whether or not I actually like the characters or not. There will be ridiculousity. ENJOY.

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Mmkay...I hear some familiar sounds. Little bleeps and bloops...sounds like the bridge of the _Enterprise_! I know my stupid little Star Trek sounds, that's definitely the bridge.

Or...never mind...it could just be the general sounds of a different starship. _U.S.S. Kelvin_, srsly? What kind of name is that?

LAME. WTF STAR TREK?

Alright, the _Kelvin_ is getting some transmissions. Apparently, gravity or gravitational shit or gravitational sensors or some other stuff is GOIN' CRAZY.

btw, they're getting way too close to that star, which is way too little in comparison to the ship. SCI-FI WRITERS HAVE NO SENSE OF SCALE, DAMMIT.

What's this? A lightning storm...IN SPACE!? WTF is going on?

How does that even happen, anyway? I've seen the movie a thousand times, I still don't get what causes it or what it has to do with Nero and his crazy-ass ship.

We're on a very pretty, sparkly bridge with lots of lens flares everywhere! I don't know the captain's name, but he's bald and he looks cool, so he is Captain Baldy McCoolio of the _USS Kelvin_.

They take a look out the windshield (excuse me, _view screen_, or some other techno shit) and see OMG A BLACK HOLE. Well, a black hole's ass, because they're, like, behind it, since it's not sucking them in or anything. In fact, it's shitting out a really spiny, spiky, creepy looking ship.

The black hole, btw, is very swirly-twirly and I'm pretty sure that's not how black holes work. And...enlighten me...is the black hole the lighting storm in space or something? 'Cause I'm still confused about that, but I don't think it is because Nero only goes through it once and the lightning storm shows up again later without the black hole...

Anyway.

So the _Kelvin_ is looking at the ship like "omg" and the ship doesn't like the way they're looking at it, because it LOCKS WEAPONS ON THEM HOLY SHIT. Ruuun! Er, waaaarp!

Anyway, they start shooting shit at the _Kelvin_ and everyone's kind of freaking, like, "OMG WTF DID THEY DO THAT FOR!?" There's lots of fire, and I thought fire couldn't happen in space because it needs oxygen, but I haven't taken physics or anything so I wouldn't know if that could actually happen or if JJ Abrams was just going by Rule of Cool.

Captain Baldy McCoolio runs a status check, and things reportedly suck ass. The other ship decides to attack again, just 'cause.

Anyway, the ship fires some more at the _Kelvin_.

**Really big, creepy, violent ship that came outta the black hole's ass:** PEW PEW PEW  
_**U.S.S. Kelvin**__:_ AJDJDHSGSJLF

Some chick gets sucks out into space when part of the hull is blasted off. I hate when that happens. Ruins my whole day.

Everyone on the bridge is like "WTF WTF WTF ARE OUR SHIELDS EVEN UP? NO? AUGH!" and Captain Baldy McCoolio is like, "FUCK THIS SHIT. SCREW YOU GUYS, WE'RE GOING HOME," and he starts evacuating the ship.

So anyway, some guy comes on the view screen is like "HI GUYS." Let's skip the introductions; this is Ayel. He is bald, like Captain Baldy McCoolio, and he is a Romulan. He has lots of cool tattoos for some reason. Say hi to Ayel, everyone.

**Ayel:** HEY IF YOU WANT US TO STOP SHOOTING, CAPTAIN BALDY'S GOTTA COME OVER HERE FOR A SECOND K?  
**Captain Baldy McCoolio:** k. Kirk, you're captain.

The audience is like, "KIRK!? YAY!" but then it pans over to see some guy who isn't Chris Pine and we're like, "Oh..."

Captain Baldy McCoolio heads over to the Romulan ship. Back on the _Kelvin_, the bridge is monitoring Captain Baldy McCoolio's body, I guess.

**Some guy:** His heart rate's elevated.  
**Audience:** no shit dude, he's going over to say hi to the creepy Romulans that came out of a black hole's ass and started killing everybody.

The Romulan ship has lots of creepy orange and green lighting for no apparent reason other than to make everybody on it increasingly sinister. It's a good strategy.

Some Romulan guy who looks kind of depressed is sitting at the captain's chair, and Ayel comes up and throws a hologram of a little ship at Captain Baldy McCoolio. The weensy ship has lots of spinning, rotating stuff, because in the future, everything spins. It's not for practical reasons, it just looks cool.

**Ayel:** Are you familiar with this craft?  
**Captain Baldy:** bitch plz, who is your commander? *staaaares over at the depressed-looking Romulan captain* (actually, he kind of just looks creepy and intense, not depressed)  
**Ayel** STFU, I WILL SPEAK FOR CAPTAIN NERO.

LOL AYEL'S BITCHY.

**Captain Baldy:** Fine, then ask your captain what right he has to attack a Federation vessel!

Ayel kinda doesn't have a comeback for that so he just looks over at Nero like, "Um...he kind of has a point."

Nero's cool about it, though. He just tilts his head, and Ayel throws out another hologram. This one has a spinning image of an old dude.

I KNOW THAT OLD DUDE. I WOULD TAP THAT WRINKLY ASS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, I DON'T EVEN CARE. Leonard Nimoy is FINE. If I were Little Red Riding Hood, I would say, "Oh, Grandpa! What massive hotness you have!" YES I WOULD.

**Ayel:** Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?

This is the part where I squeal. Anyway, AMBASSADOR Spock? You've gotten quite important, haven't you, my adorable little Vulcan? When did this happen?

Actually, I guess he's not THAT important, because Captain Baldy McCoolio doesn't know WTF Ayel's talking about. (Or he might be from the future, but I don't wanna spoil anything...oops.)

Ayel and Nero look a little pissed, and Ayel asks, "What is the current stardate?" and Captain Baldy McCoolio's like, "Uh, twenty-two thirty-three zero-four, duh." Yeah, 'cause everyone's going to be able to memorize that long-ass stardate.

He asks where they're from, and Nero takes MUCH offense to that incredibly impolite question!!! How DARE you ask such a thing, Captain Baldy McCoolio!

Nero starts screaming and...stabs the fuck Captain Baldy McCoolio. WTF, Nero!?

The _Kelvin_'s view screen monitoring Captain Baldy McCoolio's body is like, "D'oh, he's dead!" and everyone flips their shit.

Nero's ship starts attacking the Kelvin some more, and Poppa Kirk is a way better captain that Baldy because he starts firing back. Not that it does anything useful, but still.

He starts the evacuation back up again, which is MOMMA KIRK'S CUE TO ENTER, YAY! Guess who she is, you guys? YEAH IT'S CAMERON FROM HOUSE! Anyway, things suck for her because she's going to into labor while this shit is happening and her husband's about to die, so...

Anyway, long story short, the evacuation is going on, and Poppa Kirk sets the ship on autopilot and is about to board a shuttle with his wife when Nero pulls a dick move and ruins the autopilot system. Yeah, not cool, Nero. Which means Poppa Kirk has to pilot the _Kelvin_ himself, because that's the only way the shuttles with the crew and Momma Kirk will be able to get away.

SUX 2 B U, POPPA KIRK.

**Momma Kirk:** WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
**Poppa Kirk:** UH I'M KINDA GONNA HAVE TO BE OVER HERE AND, LIKE, DIE...AND STUFF. SRY.  
**Momma Kirk:** WTF? NOOOO  
**Baby Kirk:** *is born*  
**Poppa Kirk:** Awww, what is it?  
**Momma Kirk:** A boy! Let's name him after your dad!  
**Poppa Kirk:** Tiberius? Are you kidding me? That's the worst! No, let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim.  
**Momma Kirk:** k  
**Poppa Kirk:** ILU *dies*  
**Momma Kirk:** *sob*

Thus endeth the saddest fucking scene in this movie.

TITLES! STAR TREK!

Now, we're on Earth. Where on Earth?

IOWA. 'TIS THE SHIT, MAN.

So we see a snazzy red convertible speed out onto the road and go zooming away. What maniac is driving that car? (Why do they even still have cars? Much less that classic?)

The driver just so happens to be tween Jim Kirk, who can barely see over the steering wheel because he's a tiny little loser, LOL FAIL JIM.

Oh wait, he sees over the wheel about as well as I currently do. Shit.

So the phone in the car rings and Matt Parkman from "Heroes" is shouting at Jim, "I AM AN ABUSIVE STEP-FATHER HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL REBELLIOUS AND ANGSTY BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF A REAL FATHER!" and Jim drives the car over a cliff because, pfft, Matt Parkman can't tell him what to do in the this movie!

Cut to planet Vulcan! LOL am I the only one who thinks it's funny how we go from stupid little Iowa to...Vulcan? Just me? Okay then.

On Vulcan, everything is in the middle of the desert, a very hot and dry-looking _red_ desert, and everything kind of looks like it's caked with a layer of dust. I'm getting a sunburn just looking at that planet.

But it's better at Vulcan Elementary, where everyone has their own classroom! And by classroom, I mean a really cool bowl thing that talks and asks you questions and you answer and there's lots of blinking lights and flashing lessons and all the little Vulcan kids are so cute! They've got their weird little tunics and their cute little pointed ears, and their cute little upturned eyebrows, and their cute little emotionlessness!

I heart Vulcans. I want my own kid Vulcan.

So anyway, a little trio of Vulcan dickwads (okay, since they're kids, I'll call them _bullies_) comes up behinddd...OMG LITTLE SPOCK.

**Vulcan Bully #1 aka Greg:** Spock.  
**Little Spock:** I presume you've prepared new insults for today.  
**Me:** OH MY GOD, I want to laugh and go "aww" and feel sorry for you all at once!  
**Greg:** Affirmative.

omg I love Vulcans. Just the way they talk...

Little Spock goes over to the bullies. Aww, he's so much shorter than them! He says this is their 35th attempt to get him to react emotionally. Jesus Christ, _35th_? Seriously? They've tried that many times?

Also, why are their bullies on Vulcan? Bullies do their thing because of an emotional need to...uh...bully, right? Why are Vulcans doing it?

Well I mean I guess it could be scientific/logical curiosity to see an emotional response, but still...

Anyway, Vulcan Bully #3 (whom I shall name Ernest) is like, "You're neither human nor Vulcan and therefore have no place in this universe." Okay, 1: he's both, you 'tard. 2: No place in the universe? The whole universe? Dayum, that's harsh. Surely there's at least one planet where he fits in...

**Vulcan Bully #2 aka Oscar:** Look, he has human eyes. They look sad.

Your eyes looks the same as his, wtf. Meanwhile, Little Spock is looking at them all helpless and adorable and shit, I just wanna squeeze him and never let him go!

**Ernest:** Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimuli.  
**Me:** WOAH OKAY NOW, YOU GUYS ARE LIKE TWELVE, RIGHT? Let's not rape the poor boy...  
**Ernest:** *shoves Spock*  
**Me:** Oh.

Spock stumbles back, looking very upset. AWWW! Stop being mean to him, you guys! (I don't even get why they're dicking around with him for being half-human, since Vulcans and humans are cool with each other, aren't they?)

**Ernest:** He's a traitor, you know. Your father. For marry her. That human whore. **(TRANSLATION: Yo mama so human [insert some Vulcan variation of a "yo mama" joke involving emotions and shit])**  
**Little Spock:** AHSFKD! *tackles Ernest into one of the awesome Bowls of Learning*

Greg and Oscar are like, "what the logical fuck?" while Little Spock proceeds to beat the hell out of Ernest. He looks cute when he cries and lays the smackdown on Vulcan bullies.

Now Little Spock is at the principal's office (I assume), looking all adorably stoic and Vulcan and LOOOOK HIS BLOODY LIP IS GREEN. Green blood! Kewl.

Poppa Spock (AKA, Sarek) is here. He sits down by Little Spock and is shooting lasers of LOGICAL DISAPPOINTMENT as his poor wittle son, who kind of looks uncomfortable as hell.

**Little Spock:** They called you a traitor.  
**Poppa Spock:** Whatevs.

He goes on about something that has to do with logic emotions, how emotions run deep within the Vulcan race, possibly more deep than in the human race, how they choose logic and how to control emotions so that emotions don't control them blah blah blah, whatever.

Anyway, Little Spock calls him out on Poppa Spock's bullshit and is like, "wtf? You're telling me I should be completely Vulcan but YOU married a human!"

And Poppa Spock proves to us that Vulcans can't lie for shit and is like, "Well YEAH I'm the Vulcan ambassador to Earth! Marrying her was logical!"

Bullshit, Poppa Spock, bullshit.

Zoom into the future by about fifteen years, I guess, and we see some chick in front of a window. Everybody, say hello to Momma Spock AKA Amanda!

**Momma Spock****:** Spock. Come here, let me see you.  
**Spock:** *with THE cutest indignant voice in the world* No.  
**Momma Spock:** Spock.

Spock, who has grown like 9000 feet taller and has turned into Sylar from "Heroes," walks over with a strong air of "ugh, MOM, you're EMBARRASSING me!!!" and lets his mommy fiddle with his sweater.

His sweater, btw, is THE fugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. I bet Momma Spock knitted it for him. Oh God, I'm embarrassed to look at it.

Momma Spock tells him not to be anxious, that he'll do fine. Do fine for WHAT?

Spock is like, "Anxious? Me? Pffft, right," and proceeds to babble on anxiously about how "fine" as variable definitions and "fine" is unacceptable. LOL Spock, you're so awkward.

Momma Spock fiddles with his fugly sweater some more and Spock is like "um stop it plzkthx" because LOVING YOUR MOMMY is SO DAMN HORRIBLE.

But then he makes up for his annoying intolerance of Momma Spock's motherliness by asking hopefully that, if he goes through this Vulcan thingy to purge all emotion, she won't think it reflects judgment upon her. D'aww.

Momma Spock is like, "Aw, I'll always be proud of you no matter what you do," which is what Spock wanted to hear so he's like, "Awesome," and goes to the Vulcan ministers of the Vulcan Science Academy, where he applied.

And they're like, "k so ur sort of awesome except for the fact that u applied at Starfleet, wtf?" and Spock's like, "it was logical to cultivate multiple options," and they're like, "o yeah good point."

**Minister guy:** Y'know, it's pretty cool how much you've accomplished despite your disadvantage.  
**Spock:** Uh, what disadvantage?  
**Minister:** Your human mother.  
**Spock:** So, uh...I'm thinking I so don't want to go to your fucking academy anymore.  
**Minister guys:** WAT!?  
**Spock:** Yeah. Live long and suck it.

Back in the magical land of Iowa, we hear lots of fun, funky music and we discover that we're innn...

A NIGHTCLUB. A futuristic nightclub! We're following a hot chick (whom I shall introduce to you now as Uhura) and she orders a bunch of alcohol. Uhura and her friends party HARD.

"That's a lotta drinks for one woman," says an endearingly obnoxious voice. ENTER ALL-GROWED-UP JIM KIRK. Chris Pine? More like Chris FINE, hurr hurr.

Let's start up a number count of how many times Kirk fails in the movie, k? Failing includes being beaten up, rejected, ignored, treated like a little kid, etc. You'll get the hang of it soon. We'll also count the wins, just to make him feel better because he's cute.

Uhura orders a shot, and Kirk tries to order it for her, but she's like, "lol no."

That's 1 fail by rejection down. Getting off to a bad start, here, Jimmy.

**Kirk****:** Don't you at least wanna know my name before you completely reject me?  
**Uhura:** I'm fine without it.

2 fails. C'mon, Kirk.

Kirk recovers from her snub by responding, "You ARE fine without it," and I'm quietly LOLing because the weird looking alien guy between them is looking like he wants to hurl at Kirk's lame attempts to hit on Uhura.

**Kirk****: **It's Jim, Jim Kirk.  
**James Bond:** STOP STEALING MY LINES, YOU FOOL  
**Uhura:** *ignore*  
**Kirk:** If you don't tell me your name, I'm gonna hafta make one up.  
**Me:** NAME HER RUFUS, RUFUS IS A GOOD NAME!  
**Uhura:** It's Uhura.  
**Me:** Aw.  
**Kirk:** Uhura, no wayyy, that's the name I was gonna make up for you!

lol. Anyway, Kirk's like, "Uhura what?" and Uhura's like, "That's my last name, and you ain't getting my first name for no particular reason other than to be mysterious and make for an amusing exchange between you and Spock later," and Kirk's okay with that.

**Kirk****:** So, you're a cadet, you're stunning, what's your focus?  
**Uhura:** Xenolinguistics. You have no idea what that means.  
**Kirk:** AH-HA prepare to be amazed: study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax. Means you got a talent of tongue.

This kid's smart, Uhura-cakes. Don't be so mean to him.

Uhura quips, "I'm impressed. I thought you were just a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals." And Kirk is like, "Not _only_..."

Oh, Kirk.

Anyway, some big bald guy - a cadet, judging by his uniform (which is terrifyingly red, so I'm scared for his life) - comes along and is like, "This townie isn't bothering you, right?"

They use the word "townie" in the future? LULZ. And I hope this guy isn't trying to snatch Uhura away from Kirk, because he looks like he's old enough to be her dad if he wasn't white. STRANGER DANGER, UHURA BBY.

**Uhura:** Oh, BEYOND belief, but it's nothing I can't handle.  
**Kirk:** You COULD handle me, if that's an invitation.  
**Big dude:** HEY. U BETTER MIND UR MANNERS.  
**Kirk:** Relax, Cupcake, it was a joke.

Cupcake doesn't take nicely to Kirk and his hijinks, and uses some really lame fightin' words, "THERE'S FOUR OF US AND ONE O' YOU."

Kirk is not intimidated, because he's stupid, and is like, "So get some more guys and it'll be an even fight." He pats Cupcake's cheek, how cute. Look out Kirk, I sense lots of fail coming your way.

Kirk turns away, Cupcake spins him around, and punches him IN THE FACE. Third fail, Kirk! He reels on the bar, looking kinda weird while he does, but I gotta give Chris Pine props for making his fight scenes look like they really hurt.

Kirk gets in a good punch/kick thing that sends Cupcake flying. One win, three fails. Not too bad.

Uhura's in the background telling them to stop, but nobody listens to the girl.

More fighting happens. Kirk gets his second win, then another fail, then another, and then he staggers over and catches himself from falling...by grabbing Uhura's boobs. Is that a win? I think it's a win.

**Uhura:** *GASP!*  
**Kirk:** *perv face*  
**Uhura:** *shove*

Another fail. Kirk gets punched. 'Nother fail. Kicked...fail. He grabs a bottle and smashes it over some guy's head. Win. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Goddamn.

THEN AN AWESOME WHISTLE OF AUTHORITY SLICES THROUGH THE NIGHTCLUB AIR. All the cadets freeze. O SNAP, WHO IS IT?

Itttt's CAPTAIN PIKE, OMG. I love Pike.

Pike orders everybody out of the club, so...everybody leaves, except Kirk, who's lying on a table, dazed and bloody and pathetic and fail-y.

**Pike:** You alright, son?  
**Kirk:** u can whistle rly loud, u no that?

Oh Kirk.

Anyway, Kirk's got tissues stuffed up his nose as he sits down with Pike. I'm going to count his goofy appearance as a fail. Pike is nagging him about his dad, and how Kirk is the only genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest, and urges Kirk to enlist in Starfleet. Kirk scoffs at Pike's suggestion.

**Pike:** If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years, have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada...  
**Kirk:** Are we done?

Looks like this Trek universe changed up what the Federation is, 'cause it wasn't as military-like in TOS, but I don't mind the change because it's badass and I'm not one of those SRS BSNS fans who gets all butthurt about everything.

Pike leaves, but not before telling where the shuttle for new recruits is and that it leaves tomorrow morning. Kirk couldn't care less.

"You know, your father was captain of a starship for 12 minutes," Pike says, who still won't STFU about Kirk's dad. I'm pretty sure if my dad was dead, I wouldn't want some guy I met five minutes ago yammering on about him and telling me how much I suck in comparison. "He saved 800 lives, including your mother's. Including yours. I dare you to better."

...okay, I can't deny that was a sort of badass little speech. I heart Pike. Pike = awesome.

Anyway, Kirk changed his mind, I guess, because he goes to the shuttle that morning and says to Pike, "Four years? I'll do it in three."

GO KIRK.

Kirk says hi to Cupcake and the other guys who beat the shit out of him yesterday, and sits down, smiling over at Uhura, who ignores him.

We hear an argument from somewhere in the shuttle. Some lady is like, "You need a doctor!" And a very adorably disgruntled voice responds, "I TOLD YOU PEOPLE, I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR, DAMMIT, I AM A DOCTOR!"

Is that who I think it is!?

**Lady:** You need to get back to your seat.  
**Angry newcomer:** I had one in the bathroom with no windows!

Kirk leans away from the arguments because the lady has decided to shoo the lovely argumentative man over near the seat by Kirk. Kirk looks like, "Well, great, thanks lady."

**Lady:** You need to get back to your seat NOW!  
**Angry newcomer:** I suffer from aviaphobia! It's means FEAR OF DYING IN SOMETHING THAT FLIES.  
**Lady:** Sir, for your own safety, sit down or else I'll MAKE YOU SIT DOWN  
**Angry newcomer:** ...fine.

My poor baby. He sits next to Kirk, and he is the expert at first impressions because he turns to him and says with a professional bitchface, "I may throw up on ya."

**Kirk****:** I think these things are pretty safe...

The angry newcomer proceeds to ruin Kirk's day by telling him why these things are perfectly unsafe. Shut up, dude.

**Kirk****:** I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet _operates_ in space.  
**Angry newcomer:** Yeah, well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.

AIIIIEEEEE, BONES! I LOVE YOU, BONES.

He takes a nice swig of whiskey, to establish that he is an irritable alcoholic divorcee from Tennessee, in case people didn't know that, but lets us know that he's awesome and can be nice by offering some to Kirk. Because nothing says budding friendship by putting your mouth on something that a scruffy stranger has slobbered all over.

Kirk's cool with that, though, and introduces himself.

"McCoy. Leonard McCoy," Bones says. James Bond throws another hissy fit in the background.

Three years later, we're in space, where it's dark and creepy and tinted in an eerie shade of red. We see the Narada, which I just remembered is the name of Nero's creepy ship.

Nero stares at the camera blankly until some guy tells him he's been requested on the bridge. Ayel says they're at the coordinates Nero wanted, but nothing's there, so he asks what do to.

"We wait. We wait for the one who allowed our home to be destroyed, as we've been doing for 25 years," Nero expositions kind of awkwardly, but I forgive him for that somewhat poor delivery because I like him.

**Ayel:** And once we've killed him?  
**Nero:** Kill him? I'm not gonna kill him. I'm gonna make him watch.

Nero, sparing people never works out in movies, you know that.

Anyway, a black hole appears and shits out that awesome spinning little spaceship. Nero orders the ship to be captured, and says, "Welcome back, Spock."

NOOO, SPOCKYYYY.

Now we're at Starfleet Academy, where everybody has a deathwish because they're all wearing fucking RED.

Bones and Kirk are exiting a building, and Bones demands to know why Kirk is so happy because he's one of those surly friends who doesn't like it when everyone else isn't surly with him.

We never actually get an answer as to why Kirk is happy, but he says he going to take the Kobayashi Maru test again, and he wants Bones there. Bones thinks that's a stupid idea, because he has better things to do than watch Kirk fail the test again.

**Kirk****:** Doesn't it bother you that no one's ever passed the test?  
**Bones:** Jim, it's the Kobayashi Maru. NO ONE passes the test! And no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds. *pointed look at Kirk*

Kirk is like "lol well whatever i gotta study" and Bones sees right through his bullsht.

Cut to Kirk, studying the female anatomy quite thoroughly!

**Girl:** *moan/sigh/gasp/other token sex noises* Jim, I think I love you.  
**Kirk:** That is so weird.

lol you're such a twat, Jim.

The girl is unimpressed with Kirk's response and totally puts a stop to the sexin'. Come on, Kirk hasn't even gotten his underwear off! Way to cockblock the poor thing. I can sense his agonizing case of blueballs.

Anyway, the girl, who is green and named Gaila, freaks out when her roommate starts to come in.

**Gaila:** Quick, get under the bed!  
**Kirk:** What? But...I don't-  
**Gaila:** Hurry! I promised her I'd stop bringing guys back to the room.  
**Kirk:** How many guys have you... *is forced under the bed*

lulz. Yet another fail for Kirk.

Gaila sprawls out on her bed as her roommate, Uhura, comes in and apparently sees nothing odd about Gaila lying there in her underwear...?

Kirk, perv as he is, watches happily as Uhura starts to undress while she goes on about how she picked up a transmission from a Klingon prison planet. A Klingon armada was destroyed, 47 ships. Dayum.

Gaila doesn't really care about all that, and she wonders if Uhura will be leaving soon, which tips Uhura off.

**Uhura:** Gaila, who is he?  
**Gaila:** Who's who?  
**Uhura:** The mouth-breather hiding under your bed.  
**Kirk:** *pops up* You can hear me breathing!?

Uhura is pissed and kicks him out. Fail again.

Cut to the Kobayahi Maru simulation test thing. Uhura is the communications officer, Bones is some guy, and Kirk is the captain.

"Klingons" are "locking weapons" on the "ship" and Kirk doesn't take any action. Everyone looks around like, "...what?" This includes the instructors in charge of the simulation.

More "Klingons" are "targeting" the "ship" and Kirk still doesn't give a crap. The "Klingons" start "firing."

**Kirk****:** Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive _all_ crew members from the damaged ship.  
**Uhura:** And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, _Captain?_  
**Kirk:** Alert Medical.  
**Uhura:** *bitchface*

Oh, stop PMSing, Uhura.

The "ship" is being hit, and Bones is like, "hey i've got this wacky idea, let's FIRE BACK" and Kirk is like, "Nah."

Suddenly, the simulation fails and everything goes dark and shuts down! Everyone is confused, and the instructors are like, "WTFFFF" but then everything starts back up again! Yay!

Kirk happily orders the crew to fire on the "Klingon warbirds" and Bones is like, "Jim, their shields are still up."

**Kirk****:** Are they?  
**Bones:** *doubletake* No...they're not.

Kirk orders to fire on all enemy ships, and they do. Yay, they won! He beat the Kobayashi Maru!

Up where the instructors are watching, dumbstruck, some guy (I think it's Pike, but I'm not sure) turns and demands, "How the hell did that kid beat your test?"

Pan over to see who this question was directed at, and we seeee...SPOCK! He stiffens and says, "I do not know."

Ruh-roh.

Oh shit, now we're in court (sorta) and Kirk is called forward. Fail.

**Judge guy:** Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct pursuant to Regulation 17.43 of the Starfleet code.  
**Me:** ...huh?

But I guess that means someone tattled on Kirk? Okay, srsly, not cool. WHO'S THE SNITCH, I'LL BEAT HIS ASS.

Kirk uses his right to face his accuser directly. YEAH WHO IS IT!?

Spock stands up. Oh...shit. nvm then.

**Judge guy:** This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last four years.

Well, look at you, Spock. All smart and programmy.

**Spock:** Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.

I don't know why he sounds unhappy about that. Sure, Kirk hacked into his precious test, but that requires some awesome smarts. Spock, don't start off pissed at Kirk. You guys are in love, remember?

Kirk asks what his point is, and the judge guy snaps that he cheated. Kirk retorts to Spock by saying that the test itself is a cheat because Spock programmed it to be unwinnable. Spock is like, "What, a no-win scenario?"

**Kirk****:** I don't believe in no-win scenarios.  
**Spock:** Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principal lesson.  
**Kirk:** Please, enlighten me.  
**Spock:** You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death.

I won't count this verbal lashing as a fail for Kirk, because that's just Spock being a dick. The whole room knows it, too, because they shift and mutter uncomfortably.

**Kirk****:** I of all people?  
**Spock:** Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?

Shut up, Spock, you're such a douchebag. Kirk agrees with me, snapping, "I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test!"

Things get heated as they barrel on, which Spock continuing, "Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test."

"Enlighten me again."

"The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain."

Yeah, well, you're a Vulcan, and fear and other emotions aren't your thing, so shut up.

While Kirk stands there, pissed, some guy comes in and tells the judge guy that they'll have to finish this later because they're receiving a distress call from Vulcan. Spock perks up, concerned. And since the real fleet is busy doing...something else...the cadets are ordered to go take care of it. Everyone scurries off. Kirk glares after Spock.

**Kirk****:** Who was that pointy-eared bastard?  
**Bones:** I dunno, but I like him.

LOL irony. And Spock and Kirk are doing this all wrong! They're arguing and glaring at each other when they're SUPPOSED to be having hot eyesex.

The cadets are all assigned to their respective ships...except for Kirk. He's confused and goes over to the commander to ask why his name wasn't called, and he's told that he's on academic suspension until his hearing is all figured out. Fail. Awww, Kirk doesn't get to go on the mission!

Kirk is looking around sadly, and Bones is sympathetic, but he has to go. Kirk pastes on a really adorable fake smile and is like, "Yeah, that's cool, be safe. Bye."

And Bones leaves...then he says, "Dammit," and goes back to drag Kirk with him. YAY FRIENDS!

More assigning. Uhura is assigned to the Farragut, and is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. She storms after Spock, nagging.

**Uhura:** Commander, a word?  
**Spock:** *paying attention to more important things than a bitchy Uhura* Yes, Lieutenant?  
**Uhura:** Was I not one of your top students?  
**Spock:** Indeed you were.

Now he's walking, and she follows. For God's sake, Uhura, I love you to DEATH but just shuuut the fuck uuuup. She goes on about how she's awesome, and Spock agrees, and she's like, "DUDE I SAID I WANTED TO BE ON THE ENTERPRISE, WHY AM I ON THE GODDAMN FARRAGUT?"

**Spock:** It _was_ an attempt to...*a little uncomfortably, actually*...avoid the appearance of favoritism.  
**Uhura:** BITCH PLZ I'M ASSIGNED TO THE ENTERPRISE.  
**Spock:** Fine. God.  
**Uhura:** thx

I love you, Uhura, you're awesome.

Back with Kirk and Bones, Kirk is like, "WAT R U DOINGGG?" as Bones tows him into some place with medicine and shit.

**Bones:** I'm doin' you a favor. I couldn't just leave you there lookin' all pathetic. Take a seat.

Am I the only one who thinks that's one of the most adorable things in the movie?

Bones grabs a hypospray as Kirk sits down, saying he's going to give him a vaccine against viral infection from the Melvaran mud fleas, and stabs Kirk in the neck with the hypo. Rude. Also a fail for Kirk.

**Kirk****:** OW! What for!?  
**Bones:** To give you the symptoms.  
**Kirk:** What are you talking about?  
**Bones:** You're gonna start to lose vision in your left eye.  
**Kirk:** *blinking rapidly* Yeah, I already have. **(Fail.)**  
**Bones:** Oh, and you're gonna get a really bad headache and a flop sweat.  
**Kirk: **You call this a favor?  
**Bones:** Yeah, you owe me one.

He hauls Kirk up and lugs him over to the shuttle. The instructor there is like, "Uh Kirk's not cleared for duty on the Enterprise," but Bones bitches on and on about the medical code and is finally allowed to take Kirk with him. I love Bones and his bitchiness. Meanwhile, Kirk is wheezing and huffing and sounding terrible. Fail.

Anyway, TADAAAA, WE'RE AT THE ENTERPRISE! Ahhh, Lady Enterprise, you are bootiful.

Bones is dragging Kirk through the cargo bay, I think, saying he's got to get Kirk changes. Hot.

"I don't feel right, I feel like I'm leaking!" Kirk observes. Fail. A funny fail, though.

**Bones:** Hell, it's that pointy-eared bastard! *hurries off in another direction*

I thought you liked Spock! Anyway, Spock comes along, decked out in his sexy blue uniform. He goes to the turbolift and heads on up to the bridge.

THE BRIDGE!!! IT'S SO SPARKLY AND PRETTY AND CLEAN! AHHH.

Spock heads over to his station (HIS STATION, EEEEEE!!!!) and tells Captain Pike that Engineering reports ready for launch. Pike is like, "So uh normally we'd have some awesome ceremony for our pretty new ship, but Vulcan kinda fucked that up, so yeah."

Pan over to see…OH MY GOD IS THAT HAROLD? I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE WATCHING HAROLD AND KUMAR. Oh no wait that's Sulu. And I actually recognize him as the hot Patient of the Week on "House" who had the fetish for strangulation!

I liked that one. Hee.

Sulu says everybody's ready for warp, so he sets a course for Vulcan, aaaand…

Fails. They don't go anywhere. Everyone looks around in confusion. Even Spock is like, "Um?" Way to play up the whole "Asians can't drive" stereotype, Sulu. I thought you were better than that.

Not that his failure isn't funny as hell, of course, 'cause it totally is.

Sulu flounders about, trying to figure out what's going.

**Spock:** Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?

Sulu's like, "…" and does that. Did you have to embarrass him, Spock? Anyway, they warp off.

…lol that sounds dirty.

Back with Bones and Kirk, Bones has brought Kirk to Medical Bay. I giggle, because my Slash Goggles are having a blast at the image of Bones with his arm around Kirk's waist as he leads him to a bed. Kirk, loopy as he may be, still has time to make passes at hot nurses.

**Kirk****:** My mouth is itchy. Is that normal?**  
Bones:** Well, those symptoms won't last long. I'm going to give you a mild sedative.**  
Kirk****:** *groan* I wish I didn't know you.**  
Bones:** Don't be such an infant. *hypo***  
Kirk****:** ACK! How long is it supposed to—*keels over*

LOLOLOL I never get tired of that particular fail.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, we see CHEKOV OMG HE IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE HOLY SHIT! *squee*

Pike doesn't really care how massively adorable Chekov is, though, because he's just like, "whatevs do the ship-wide mission broadcast."

Hm…Ship-wide Mission Broadcast. Sounds like a pretty boss dance. Y'know, like the Cha-Cha Slide. _C'mon, now, y'all! Do the ship-wide mission broadcast, now. *thudding bass* Punch it to Warp Five! The ship-wide mission broadcast. *bass* Do the broadcast now! *bass* Wictor-Wictor! Broadcast now! Wictor-Wictor! Broadcast now!_

lol okay i'll stop.

Chekov struggles adorably, classically, with the authorization code, "nine-five-Wictor-Wictor-two," but he succeeds eventually. He broadcasts about the lightning storm in space thing and how after is was detected, Starfleet received a distress call from the Vulcan High Command that the planet was experiencing seismic activity.

Which means there's a bunch of random huge-ass earthquakes fucking up there logicalness, dammit!

Starfleet's mission is to see what's up and assist in evacuations if necessary.

Kirk lurches up in bed, gasping out, "Lightning storm!"

Bones says hi, then, "Good God, man!" because Kirk's hands have swollen hideously. Fail. Ewww. Kirk squeaks in horror at his hands but then says "fuck it" and starts running around trying to find Uhura, because as he grabs Bones's face (heehee) with his grotesquely deformed hands, he says, "We've gotta stop the ship!"

Kirk goes flying down the halls in a panic with Bones on his heels in an entirely separate panic. I love how nobody in the halls reacts with surprise at them. It's like they're used to Kirk and Bones's shenanigans.

**Kirk****:** We're flying right into a trap!**  
Bones:** Damn it, Jim, stand still! *hypo***  
Kirk****:** OW! STOP IT!

lol fail. And srsly, Bones, aren't you paying any attention to Kirk screaming "IT'S A TRAP" at all? I'd pause for a second and say, "wait wut?" but that's just me. But it's cute that Bones is too worried about Kirk to worry about anything else.

Kirk goes running some more and finds Uhura.

**Uhura:** Kirk? What are you doing here?**  
Kirk****:** The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly—**  
Uhura:** OH MY GOD, what's with your hands!?

So not the point, Uhura-cakes.

**Kirk****:** Look, who is responsible for the Klingon attack? And was the sh…*unintelligible mush***  
Uhura:** Was the ship _what?_

Kirk looks upset that his mouth won't cooperate. Bones is scanning him, still not giving a crap about Klingon attacks and lightning storms and traps and shit.

**Kirk****:** *muffled* What's happening to my mouth?**  
Bones:** You got numb tongue?**  
Kirk****:** NUN TUG!?**  
Bones:** I can fix that.

Anybody else's mind go to Sam and Kate from the movie/book "Holes" when he said that? I bet you CAN fix that, Bones. Ohohoho.

But he scurries off very unromantically, so nothing slashy happens. Sad.

**Uhura:** Was the ship _what_?**  
Kirk****:** Womulan.**  
Uhura: **What?**  
Kirk****: **Womulan!

Shhh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We're hunting Womulans!

Uhura finally gets that he means "Romulan," and then Bones leaps outta fuckin' nowhere and hypos Kirk again! Fail.

Cut to the Narada hovering high above Vulcan, dangling a Fiery Drill of DOOM into the atmosphere, drilling a hole into the planet. Well that can't be good. Momma Spock comes outside to look at the Fiery Drill of DOOM and her face tells us, "That's just nutty!"

Onbard the Narada, Ayel tells Nero that there are seven Federation ships on their way. Nero looks pissed.

Meanwhile, Kirk is running around some more, with Bones chasing after him because he's his doctor (who happens to be in love with him—STOP IT, SLASH GOGGLES!) and Uhura following because she's a secondary character.

Kirk barrels onto the bridge, announcing that they have to stop the ship.

**Pike:** Kirk, how the hell did you get onboard the Enterprise?

Well hello to you too, Pike. Jeez.

Spock stands up at Kirk's arrival. Ooh-la-la, interested, Spock? Bones tries to say that Kirk is just reacting to a vaccine and he's totally delusional. Shut up, Bones.

**Kirk****: **Vulcan is not experiencing a natural disaster. It's being attacked by Romulans  
**Pike:** Romulans? Cadet Kirk, I think you've had enough attention for one day. McCoy, take him back to medical. We'll have words later.

Aw, Bones is in trouble? That's not cool. But Kirk won't have any of that! He scrambles forward as Pike turns away.

**Kirk****:** Look, sir, that same anomaly that we saw today…**  
Pike: ***pissed* Kirk!**  
Spock:** *butting in* Mr. Kirk is not cleared to be aboard this vessel, Captain.

OMFG. Spock. Shut. Up. You're so fucking annoying. Pike KNOWS Kirk isn't supposed to be there. Stop being a douche and start falling in love with NOW, or so help me…

**Kirk****:** Look, I get it, you're a great arguer—**  
Spock:** By Starfleet Regulations—**  
Kirk****:** —I'd love to do it again with you, too.**  
Spock: **—that makes him a stowaway. I can remove the cadet—**  
Kirk****:** TRY IT! This cadet is trying to save the bridge!**  
Spock: **By recommending a full stop mid-warm during a rescue mission?

I hate how everybody's talking over each other in this scene. It's really confusing. But I have to appreciate it, because very few movies have people talking over realistically. Movies rarely have realistic dialogue: stuttering, repetition, trailing off, filler words, verbal tics, rambling, and of course talking over each other. Damn you, movie industry!

Anyway, Kirk ignores Spock and tells Pike that it's not a rescue mission, it's an attack. Spock doesn't like being ignored, because he demands sharply, "_Based on what facts?_"

Kirk glares at Spock and says, "That same anomaly, a lightning storm in space that we saw today, also occurred on the day of my birth, before a Romulan ship attached the USS Kelvin. That ship, which has formidable and advanced weaponry was never seen or heard from again.

So suck it, Spock.

Kirk goes on to explain that the attack happened on the edge of Klingon space, and then tells Pike about the attack on the Klingon prison planet that Uhura was talking about. Pike wonders how Kirk knows of the recent attack, and Uhura confirms his report.

**Kirk****:** We're warping into a trap, sir. The Romulans are waiting for us, I promise you that.

Pike looks to Spock, who says, "The cadet's logic is sound." He doesn't look too happy about it. But that's my Spock, more logic and less bitching.

Pike orders the communications officer to scan Vulcan space for any transmissions in Romulan. The communications officer doesn't know the difference between the Romulan language and the Vulcan language because he sucks at his job. Uhura is awesome, though, so she takes his place. Pike orders some chick to hail one of the other ships, but the Enterprise can't make contact with anyone. WAAAT? Why not? This can't be good. Also, Uhura isn't picking up any transmissions at all. Kirk says it's because they're being attacked.

The Enterprise goes on red alert, oh shit. Sulu counts down five seconds till they reach Vulcan. Kirk and Spock exchange grim looks. It's not eyesex, but they're getting there!

And POOF! They're at Vulcan and there's tons of debris and shit everywhere. All the other ships have been destroyed! O NOES. THE ENTERPRISE GANG IS **FUCKED**.

Now the Enterprise sees the Narada, in all its creepy-ass glory.

On the Narada, some guy tells Nero that another Federation ship has arrived, and Nero's just like, "dude whatever, shoot lots of torpedoes at it, that always works" so they prepare to do just that.

The Enterprise is like, "EEK! SHIELDS UP NOW!" and Spock reports that the Narada has lowered a high-energy pulse device into the Vulcan atmosphere, and its signal is blocking their communications and transporter abilities…which…y'know…can't be good at all. Pike orders to fire all weapons.

The Narada is about to fire torpedoes.

**Nero: **WAIT! The hull! Magnify!

They magnify the hull, and Nero sees that it's the Enterprise.

**Audience:** How the FUCK did he see that?

The Narada hails the Enterprise. Nero introduces himself to Pike.

**Pike:** You've declared war against the Federation. Withdraw, I'll agree to arrange a conference with Romulan leadership at a neutral location.

Um…dude...wtf…look at the people that the camera pans across as Pike says that.

Is that…is that KUMAR? lololol I see what you did there! That's totally Kumar! Harold and Kumar Go to Vulcan!

Or, if you're like me, who hasn't actually watched a Harold and Kumar movie and only knows WHO they are and so the humor isn't AS funny as it could be, then just think of it as Dr. Kutner! Dr. McCoy and Dr. Kutner, all working for CMO Gregory House, who doesn't wear a Starfleet uniform because he doesn't play by the rules.

Anyway. Nero says he doesn't speak for the Empire; he and his boys stand apart.

**Nero:** As does your Vulcan crewmember. Isn't that right, Spock?**  
Everybody:** …uh, what?**  
Spock:** wtf I don't even know you.**  
Nero: **Not yet.

Nero says he has something he wants Spock to see. I know, it sounds pervy right? Heheheh. Sadly, it's not. Nero then tell Pike to come aboard the Narada for negotiations.

SHIT. DON'T DO IT, PIKE! That didn't work out so well for Captain Baldy McCoolio, and I like you so much more than him!

Anyway, Nero's like "later!" and disconnects. Pike stands in grim preparation—it's cheesy, but necessary. Kirk and Spock immediately begin trying to talk Pike out of going over there.

**Kirk****:** He'll kill you. You know that.**  
Spock:** Your survival _is_ unlikely.**  
Kirk****:** Captain, we gain nothing by diplomacy. Going over to that ship is a mistake.**  
Spock:** I, too, agree. You should rethink your strategy.

I love it when they agree with each other.

Pike knows all that, but he going over there anyway. He says he needs officers who've been trained in hand-to-hand combat, and Sulu raises his hand.

Pike, Kirk, Spock, and Sulu leave the bridge.

On the Narada, Nero tells Ayel to prepare the red matter. What's that? Oooh, the tension!

Turns out, the red matter is just what it sounds like: a big ball of shiny red stuff. They stick a needle into it and draw out an itty-bitty little portion of red matter and stick it in a huge-ass machine.

Back at the Enterprise, Pike says that since the transporter is fucked up, Kirk and Sulu and a doomed redshirt are going to space-jump from the shuttle. They'll land on the drill, disable it, and be beamed back up.

O btw Spock is in commands of the ship now, JSYK. Kirk is promoted to first officer.

**Kirk****:** What?**  
Spock: **Captain? Please, I apologize, the complexities of human pranks escape me.

LOL. Ladies and gents, that is what we know as Spock-speak for, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Pike tells Spock to stop being retarded, it's not a prank, then gets on the turbolift with Kirk and Sulu. Kirk's got a smirky "HA FUCK YOU" look on his face as he passes Spock, who kind of just looks confused. Aww, it's ok, bby. You two will be lovers soon enough.

Kirk wants to know what happens to Pike after they knock out the drill, and Pike says come and get him.

**Pike:** Careful with the ship, Spock, she's brand new.**  
Spock: ***FIRST ARCHED EYEBROW OF AWESOMENESS IN THIS MOVIE*

God, you are so hot, Quinto.

Spock goes back to the bridge and takes his place in the captain's chair. And…I dunno about you guys, but I think Spock in that chair is so damn sexy. JUST that chair. JUST Spock. I think it's because I'm so used to seeing Kirk in the chair in TOS, and seeing Spock there (in nu!Trek and TOS alike) is like…Spock wearing Kirk's clothes. HAWT DAYUM.

Anyway. Spock calls for a report from Dr. Purée (Puri, Purée, whatever) but Bones says Purée's dead.

LOL I love how Bones just sounds irritated when he says "he's dead." Like it's an annoyance. _Goddamn Puri, dyin' all the fuckin' time, screwin' up my schedule!_

Spock, AKA Captain Obvious, tells Bones that he's chief medical officer then, and Bones is like, "Ye olde duh, Spock."

Pike, Kirk, Sulu, and Engineer Olson board the shuttle, the latter of the three wearing space-jumping suits. Guess what color the redshirt's suit is?

Go on, guess! You'll never get it!

(hint: it's red)

Sulu's is yellow. I know it's probably because he's in the command division and their color is yellow, but still. Yellow suit goes to the Asian guy?

lol racism.

Kirk's wearing blue. I guess they found some old sciences division uniform suit thing that would fit him in the back of the Enterprise's closet?

**Kirk****:** You got the charges, right?**  
Redshirt:** Oh yeah! I can't wait to kick some Romulan ass!

Hoo, boy. Poor soul. btw, lulz Kirk's expression. He knows the symptoms of Redshirtitus, and looks like he doesn't wanna get any on him.

**Dr. House:** REDSHIRTITUS? Let's get him an MRI!

Go home, House, we've already got a cranky doctor in this movie.

The shuttle takes off, and Kirk has already sensed the waves of death radiating from the redshirt, so he turns to Sulu to see if he's any more competent.

**Kirk****:** So what kind of combat training do you have?**  
Sulu:** Fencing.

Now, _I_ learned from "The Princess Bride" that fencing is the practice of all kinds of sword fighting, but Kirk hasn't read that book so you know he's thinking of the sissy little flexible sword thing and going, "FML."

Pike tells the guys to pull their parachutes as late as possible since the Romulans might have defenses, and the boys make their jump.

It's a really awesome, quiet jump, with a few little bleeps and bloops here and there to remind us that this is Star Trek. They enter the atmosphere.

Meanwhile, on the shuttle, Pike is updating his Twitter: _dropped the kids off at Spock's house, goin over to Nero's place to hang, bbl._

Chekov says the boys are approaching the platform at 5800 meters.

5000.

4600.

4500.

3000.

2000 meters, and Sulu's pulling his chute, which looks painful as hell, holy shit. I'm cringing. Kirk pulls his chute too, flopping around like a fucking dead monkey. Stop it, Kirk!

Redshirt drops right down further. He's a daredevil, this one. Kirk is like "PULL UR CHUTE U GODDAMN REDSHIRT" but it's a universally known fact that once a redshirt gets a stupid idea, it just goes downhill for him from there.

In a nutshell, the redshirt makes a lucky landing and ends up getting cooked by the Fiery Drill of DOOM!

Alas, poor redshirt. Kirk and Sulu freak out and Chekov is like "DUDE WTF." There's no point in acting all surprised about it, though.

Kirk touches down on the platform much more gently and is nearly dragged off, but he's JIM FUCKING KIRK so even worry.

THEN A BIGASS ROMULAN SHOWS UP, OMG. Kirk charges at him with a funny-as-hell battle cry and wrestles with him for the gun the Romulan has. This accomplishes nothing except screwing Sulu over by shooting holes in his chute.

You suck at this, Kirk. Fail.

Kirk gets in a good punch (win) and draws his phaser but the Romulan guy, Theodore I shall call him, is kinda just like "fuck that" and swats it away. It tumbles down to Vulcan, and I wouldn't be surprised if when it hit the ground it zapped some poor bastard who thought it was logical to go for a walk today.

Kirk gets in three nice wins by smacking Theodore around with his helmet when Theodore's friend Stu comes along. Kirk clocks him with his helmet and smacks Theodore again.

Sulu's chute snags onto the drill and his momentum sends him swinging so fucking close to the fire, omg. But Sulu retracts his chute and it pulls him up the platform and OHH FUCK BIG COLUMN OF FIRE! But before he gets cooked into a steaming hot plate of Chinese chicken (LOL SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT and yes i know he's japanese) he whips out his BADASS FUTURE KATANA and cuts himself free.

He stands up, takes a moment to let the camera pan around his kickass ready-for-action for pose, and then Stu draws his own sword against him while Kirk and Theodore grapple in the background.

Kirk punches Theodore, and then gets punched himself. Aw, you were doing so well there, for a while, Kirk!

More sword fighting with Sulu and Stu, and Kirk falls into frame, faceplanting on the platform. Fail. Theodore throws him over his shoulder and kicks him over the edge. WTF NO oh wait he's clinging to the edge for dear life! Theodore tries to stomp on his fingers. What a dick.

More sword fighting. There's parrying and thrusting (heehee_ and then Stu punches Sulu in the face. Ow. Bitch, don't fuck with my Sulu!

Theodore couldn't stomp on a roach if it was three feet long and glued to the floor, btw.

Stu parries violently! Ba-zing! Sulu falls! Eeek! But, what ho! FIERY COLUMN OF FIRE! Sulu gets an idea! Shing! Parry! Thrust! Other swordsy terms! Punch to the FACE! Ninja kick!

And Stu is cooked! Sulu FTW!

Theodore finally steps on Kirk's fingers, but then Sulu runs him RIGHT THE FUCK THROUGH, BITCH. Sulu, I fucking LOVE you. You are BADASS.

Sulu hauls Kirk up and they take out the drill, and there was much rejoicing. Yaaay.

Spock wants to know WTF the Romulans are doing to his planet.

On the Narada, some guy tells Nero that some Federation assholes fucked up their drill but it's cool 'cause the drill reached Vulcan's core. Awesome...so?

Nero launches the red matter. Psh, whatever. That shit was like, marble-sized. What could THAT do?

Kirk reports that the Romulans launched something into the hole, but nobody really cares. Srsly, Kirk, red matter is all talk and no action.

Chekov is like, "Um Spock they kind of just made a black hole in the middle of Vulcan. It's gonna consume the planet."

...oh.

Well...shit.

Vulcan only has minutes left, btw. Spock is like "ASDFGHKSJFKF NOT COOL NOT COOL" but, you know, more logical...and stuff.

Spock orders Uhura to alert Vulcan Command Center so they can get everyone the fuck off the planet. You're so cute and naive, Spock. Six billion Vulcans to evacuate in mere minutes during a planet-destroying crisis? lol good luck, my two little sisters and I can't figure out how to get out the front door when we're late for school. That's our crisis, and that's three little girls. Your planet is thoroughly FUCKED.

Uhura, instead of doing her goddamn job, decides to follow Spock to the turbolift and demand to know where he'll be. Grrr. I hate this pairing. Argh. That's not to say I judge anyone who ships Spock/Uhura, of course. I'm not a hater of that ship, nor am I an Uhura-basher. I adore Uhura. And in TOS, I wasn't totally against the ship. But in this verse? It doesn't do a single thing for me. In this verse (and TOS) I'm a Kirk/Spock shipper. And Kirk/Spock/Bones threesome, but only in this verse. Also, Spock/Chekov in this verse. LOL NO IDEA WHY, DON'T ASK ME. But come on, you can't tell me you wouldn't like it/think it's adorable if in this universe, everyone canonically has some sort of thing for Chekov.

Ensign Jailbait. Heh.

Kirk kind of wants to be beamed up now, kthx. The chick in charge of the transporter is annoyingly apathetic about it, though. She's just like "k hold on."

Nero orders his men to make like a hippie and blow this joint. They start retracting the drill, which kind of knocks Kirk and Sulu off balance which sends Sulu toppling off the drill and falling to Vulcan...without a goddamn chute, holy crap. And falling sort of messes with the whole "locking onto your signal so we can beam you up" thing.

Sulu's like "OMG" and Kirk's like "OMG" and jumps after him. He's so noble. Join me in swooning.

Sulu is wishing he'd fallen from a bit of a lower point because falling from a height that gives you enough time to contemplate just how much going SPLAT will hurt really blows.

Kirk slams into him and Sulu pulls Kirk's chute but it can't handle their combined weight (see: sexiness) so it snaps off. Well, that sucks.

**Sulu: **AHHHH!  
**Kirk:** KIRK TO ENTERPRISE, HOLY SHIT, BEAM US UP!  
**Transporter chick:** I can't lock onto your signal! You're moving too fast!

Kirk kinda doesn't give a flying fuck about signals and all the shit that makes transporting possible, he wants to be beamed up NOW.

CHEKOV TO THE RESCUE! God, this kid is adorable. And he's older than me.

**Chekov:** I can do zat...I can do zat! Take the comm! *flies away with a yellow beam of light trailing behind him like a Powerpuff Girl*

Some girl (who at first I thought was Momma Kirk for some reason, lol IDK) is a real downer and mentions that they won't be able to get a safe distance away from the black hole if they don't leave right now. Well shit, they've really gotta cram. Kirk and Sulu are freefalling, Spock hasn't even gotten to the transporter room yet, all the Vulcans are probably still down there running in logical circles screaming logically, "WHAT THE LOGICAL FUCK IS GOING ON!?"

Meanwhile, Chekov is sprinting like a sissy to the transporter.

**Chekov:** Move move move move move! I can do zat, I can do zat! Move move move move!

He flings himself at the controls and everyone else sorta throws themselves out of the way, like they think he could take them out, despite being a stringy little teenager that _everyone_ wants to molest.

**Chekov:** Give me manual control! I can lock on!

ashdjfkgkd I FUCKING LOVE YOU, CHEKOV. You're ADORABLE and you're SMART and you're a PRODIGY and just GOD. Even my dad loves you. I know this because I was watching the movie with him and my little sisters and Lauren was all like, "I call dibs on Kirk," and I know I'm too old to partake in nonsense like that but SHE CHALLENGED ME so I blurted out, "I call Spock!"

**Lauren: **Then I call Bones! AND Scotty!  
**Me:** Well I call Spock Prime!  
**Tara: **I call Captain Pike and Nero!  
**Me:** I call Ayel and Uhura!  
**Dad: **I CALL CHEKOV! DIBS ON CHEKOV!  
**Me: **:o  
**Lauren:** :o  
**Tara: **:o  
**Me:** You're 51, Dad.  
**Dad:** He'll be 18, soon.

Anyway. Kirk is still ignoring everybody telling him that they CAN'T FUCKING BEAM HIM UP but it's okay because Chekov's got this.

**Kirk:** NOW NOW NOW, DO IT NOW!

Compensating gravitational pull, aaand...BEAM! Right in the nick of time! Yay!

Kirk and Sulu look around like "whoa, we're not dead!" and then Spock comes along.

**Spock:** Move, bitches.

At first I was pissed that Spock didn't even acknowledge that Kirk and Sulu survived but then I remembered that Spock didn't even know that shit happened. He's like the guy at the party who goes to take a piss JUST when the two hottest cheerleaders start to make out, or some other shit that a guy at a party would hate to miss.

**Kirk:** What, are you going down there? Are you nuts? Spock, you can't do that!  
**Spock:** Energize.  
**Kirk: **SPOCK!

Aw, he cares. :3 Also, who's the idiot manning the transporter that thinks it's perfectly okay to send someone down to the surface of a planet that's being _sucked into a goddamn black hole?_ I don't care if it's the acting captain who wants to go down there, that shit's _retarded._ Don't do that.

Spock materializes on Vulcan (can I just say that I love the way beaming looks in this movie?) where shit's falling and crumbling and not looking so good. He goes into the _katric_ ark, which is, for God knows what reason, built right into the side of a mountain. He dodges falling rocks and shit up the wazoo as he runs. Jesus, could the Vulcan have picked a more horrible place to store their history during a crisis?

Momma and Poppa Spock look up as Spock tells everyone that everything's about to go to shit in like five seconds. He herds everyone out of the Horribly Situated Temple Ark Thingy (or, as I fondly call it, the HSTAT) except for two poor Vulcans who die. Once outside, he tells Chekov to beam them all up.

Transport in five, four, three, two—OH SHIT MOMMA SPOCK DIES!

**Spock:** MOTHER!  
**Chekov: **I'm losing her! I'm losing her, I'm losing her!  
**Transporter:** *LOL BEAM*  
**Chekov: **No! I lost her! I lost her...

Spock materializes with his arm still outstretched for his mommy. He's covered in dirt and his face looks like a little kid's, all vulnerable and shit. Goddamn it, I can feel my heart breaking.

Kirk and Sulu, who stuck around to watch all this angst unfold, look at Spock like "omg dude..." and Chekov looks heartbroken that he couldn't save Momma Spock even though he managed to save Kirk and Sulu. You can tell he thought he should've been able to do it again. Poppa Spock is just like ":|" but you know on the inside he's like "D:".

Spock kinda staggers forward like "she should be RIGHT HERE." God, I want to cry.

And Vulcan is no more.

* * *

_I figure I should split this up into halves since this is getting kind of ridiculously long and I'm only halfway through. 8D_


	2. Chapter 2

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK**

_CHAPTER TWO, BITCHES  


* * *

_

Spock is updating his status on Facebook—I mean, doing the Acting Captain's log thing. It's a voice-over thing because we have to have a nice, sad, sidelong view of Spock's silhouette just sitting there in shock while Medical Bay is bustling around tending to the injured humans and Vulcans. Awww, my baby Spock!!!

There's no word from Pike, according to Spock. He's classified now as a hostage.

We see Poppa Spock wandering around. He looks at Spock and then looks down. It's totally heartbreaking. B'awww.

Spock says that while the essence of his culture has been saved in the surviving elders, he estimates that no more than 10,000 Vulcans have survived.

Well, damn.

Bones tends to a redshirt. Kirk's hand is being bandaged and he looks over at Spock. Awww/

Spock gets up from the captain's chair on the bridge to go...wherever...and Uhura follows. As stated before, I'm definitely not a Spock/Uhura fan in this verse, but I must admit that I do like the upcoming scene between them. It's sweet.

Inside the turbolift, Spock looks at Uhura, who gets all teary and shit and says "I'm sorry" over and over. She kisses him and hugs him and Spock is kinda just standing there like, "Uh...okay." C'mon, Spock! You've got this hot chick all over you, goddamn it! GET SOME! You might as well! You're not getting anything from Kirk in this movie!

Spock manages to put some effort into this love-fest and sorta hugs her, I guess.

**Uhura:** What do you need? Tell me. Tell me.  
**Spock: **I need some chocolate ice cream, my favorite pillow, the first season of Gossip Girl, and a box of tissues because UHURA I'M GONNA CRYYY! *breaks down sobbing*

Okay, he doesn't say that. But it would've been FUCKING HILARIOUS if he did and you KNOW it! Because you fucking KNOW Zachary Quinto has an effeminate way of talking and you fucking KNOW you can hear him say that! Have you SEEN the bloopers for this movie? ZQ goes from Spock-speak to "Ohmuhgod!" in .2 seconds! It's AMAZING.

But in reality, Spock just says he needs everyone to continue performing admirably. Uhura says okay and kisses him again. Aw. Then Spock leaves without another word or a backwards glance. Well...fine, then. Jeez.

And...was I the only one who thought about what his or her racist grandfather would say to that kiss scene? Because my granddad is a racist Trekkie, and I've got this funny situation in my head where we're watching this scene and he says something racist and I'm like, "I KNOW RIGHT? Damn Vulcans kissing humans like they got the goddamn RIGHT! This is BULLSHIT!" Just to fuck around with him. 'Cause he already bitches at me because some of my best friends are black and it pisses me off.

But this isn't "A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: ROCKET HAPPY'S FAMILY LIFE." This is "A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK."

Now we're on the _Narada, _where a the very scene that caused such a hideous gap between chapters is going on. I actually really like this scene, but I couldn't muster up enough interest to recap it. But now I have (lol in March, really?) so...it's all good.

We're in the...where the fuck are we? The cargo bay? IDK, there's water all over the floor for some reason, though. Pike is strapped down and Nero is circling him menacingly. Mmm, hawt. LOL NERO/PIKE, EWW. Brain bleach plz.

Nero demands the subspace frequencies of Starfleet's border protection grids...whatever the fuck that is. He especially wants the ones surrounding Earth. Pike just looks at him like "uh, no?" because he's Pike, and Pike is badass.

**Nero: **Christopher, answer my question.  
**Pike: **No, _you_ answer for the genocide you just committed against a peaceful planet!  
**Nero: **No, I _prevented _genocide!  
**Audience: **Um, no, you definitely just committed genocide. 6 billion Vulcans counts as genocide.

Nero and Pike settle down for a nice STORY TIIIME, YAAAAY. The _Narada_ was just a mining vessel in Nero's time. He was happily working so he could provide for himself and his pregnant wife. Nero was working off-planet while the Federation "did NOTHING and allowed [his] people to burn while their planet broke in half." Nero is especially pissed at Spock, who "didn't help [them]! He betrayed [them]!"

**Pike: **No, no, no...you're confused, you've been misinformed. Romulus hasn't been destroyed. It's out there right now. You're blaming the Federation for something that hasn't happened.

For some reason, the way he says that makes me laugh. The way he shakes his head and says "you're confused," it's like he's just realized he's talking to an angry, senile old man and now he's concerned for Nero's mental health.

Anyway, Nero takes GREAT OFFENSE RAWR to the suggestion that his home is...uh, just fine. Okay, whatever dude. After he screams about that for a moment, he jumps right back into his sad little tale. After he lost his home, he swore to get revenge, so he spent 25 years planning it and forgot what it was like to live a normal life and shit, but he did NOT forget the pain.

Oh, boo-hoo. Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. *violin* Nero, I love you. You're such a woobie. Even better; you're WOOBIE, DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

So now Nero's purpose is to save Romulus, but not only that! He wants to create a Romulus that isn't part of the Federation at all! Oh, Nero. Always aiming so high! He figures the best way to pull this off is to just...you know...blow up all of the OTHER Federation planets. Which, I guess, yeah, could conceivably work, but...

Gosh. Romulus sure would be lonely. D:

So Pike is all, "oh well if that's all i guess i'll just HAHA JK U CAN SUCK IT" and won't give the frequencies. So Nero takes a leaf out of Uhura's book and pulls the bitchface. Then he makes Pike eat a slug that makes you answer any question you're answered, ewww. (btw, the slug thing? not included in the previously mentioned leaf from Uhura's book. JSYK)

Back on the Enterprise, Spock is being all captain-y and is like, "So you're SURE Nero's headed for Earth?" Uhura says yeah. Kirk is sitting sexily in the captain's chair - EEE! - and says that while Earth may be Nero's next stop, they must assume that every Federation planet is a target. You're so smart, Kirkypoo.

"Out of the chair," is all Spock has to say, though. LOLOL. Boo, Spock. Fail for Kirk.

Chekov wants to know why the Narada didn't destroy them if the Federation is the target, and Sulu suggests that it would've just been a waste of weaponry since the Enterprise obviously wasn't a threat, but Spock disagrees.

**Spock: **He said that he wanted me to see something: the destruction of my home planet.  
**Bones: **How the hell did they do that, by the way? I mean, where did the Romulans get that kind of weaponry?

For real. And how is everybody being so chill about that? THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO **MAKE BLACK HOLES.** THEY ARE USING THAT ABILITY TO SUCK **WHOLE PLANETS** INTO **BLACK FUCKING HOLES.** Why aren't they running around screaming their heads off in a panic? That's what I'd be doing.

**Spock: **The engineering comprehension necessary to artificially create a black hole may suggest an answer. Such technology could theoretically be manipulated to create a tunnel through space-time.

LOL this guy's already thinking time travel. That strikes me as hilarious. It's basically just like:

**Everyone: **So, wtf just happened?  
**Spock: **CHILL THE FUCK OUT, GUYS, I GOT THIS. Time travel. The end.

Spock = awesome.

**Bones:** Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!

EEEEE HE SAID IT HE SAID IT. GOD BONES I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

**Bones: **Are you actually suggesting they're from the future?  
**Spock: **If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Holy shit. Spock quoting Sherlock Holmes. brb, going to lie down for a while. I can't handle the sheer squeedom.

Bones sadly doesn't appreciate Spock's sexiness or Sherlock Holmes, though. Kirk, too, is skeptical, asking, "Then what would an angry future Romulan want with Captain Pike?" He suggests that they catch up to the Narada, lay the beatdown on them, and get Pike back. lololol good luck with that, dude! The Enterprise kicks ass, sure, but it is _weensy_ compared to Nero's ship.

Spock says as much. They're technologically outmatched in every way. "A rescue attempt would be illogical."

Heehee. He pulled the ol' "illogical" card. ilu Spock.

Kirk keeps throwing out all kinds of ideas, but Spock keeps shooting them all down, which pisses Kirk off. Then we get some more irritatingly realistic dialog with the two of them talking over each other. Kirk starts it, but Spock's the one who keeps reminding me of a five-year-old who doesn't know that it's RUDE TO TALK WHILE SOMEONE ELSE IS TALKING YOU GODDAMN FFFFF-whatever.

**Kirk: **There must be some way!  
**Spock: **We must gather with the rest of Starfleet to balance the terms of the next engagement.  
**Kirk: **There won't _be_ a next engagement! By the time we've "gathered," it'll be too late!

Kirk just wants his cap'n back, u guyz. D: He tries to come at it from that "logical" angle, too, saying that if Nero's from the future and knows what's gonna happen, then the logical thing is to be unpredictable. But Kirk fails at the logic thing, which Spock is all too happy to point out.

**Spock: **You're assuming that Nero knows how events are predicted to unfold. The contrary, Nero's very presence has altered the flow of history, beginning with the attack on the _USS Kelvin, _culminating in the events of today, thereby creating an entire new chain of incidents that cannot be anticipated by either party.

...shit, Kirk. You just got served. VULCAN STYLE. Is this gonna turn into like Stomp the Yard but with logic instead of dancing? No? Alright. Spock would win anyway, he doesn't even have to say anything.

"An alternate reality," says Uhura, to remind us that she exists and that this is not a lover's spat Spock and Kirk are having.

Spock orders Sulu to plot a course for the Laurentian system, warp factor 3.

**Kirk: **Spock, don't do that. Running back to the rest of the fleet for a confab is a massive waste of time!  
**Spock:** These are orders issued by Captain Pike when he left the ship.  
**Kirk:** He also ordered us to go back and get him. Spock, you are captain now! You have to make -  
**Spock:** I am aware of my responsibilities, Mr. Kirk.  
**Kirk:** Every second we waste, Nero's getting closer to his next target!  
**Spock**: That is correct, and why I'm instructing you to accept the fact -  
**Kirk:** I will not allow us to go backwards away from the problem -  
**Spock:** - that I alone am in command.

Really, Spock? You're going with the "Mom put ME in charge so you have to do what I say" argument? What are you, twelve?

The argument is getting out of hand, as we can see by Bones saying, "Jim, he's the captain!" while Kirk starts to shout. The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

Spock puts his foot down and orders security to escort Kirk off the bridge. Kirk glowers as two redshirts grab his arms and start leading him to the turbolift. Then Kirk, for God knows what stupid reason, knocks out the redshirts and struggles with a few more. IDK what he plans to do - _fight_ his way to captaincy? This isn't the Mirrorverse, Kirk. You can't just punch out some guy and be like "I HAVE HIS JOB NOW" and everybody's cool with it.

**Bones:** JIM WTF STOP  
**Kirk:** FREEDOM! FREEEEDOOOOM!!!  
**Spock:** *nerve pinch*  
**Kirk:** *unconscious/fail*

...well. That happened.

"Get him off this ship," Spock orders, all intensely. Props to Quinto for making me want to fuck him despite Spock being a dickhole. More props to Quinto for having sexiness of such magnitude that I can be distracted from how much I don't like seeing my boys hate each other.

So the Enterprise shoots Kirk out of the ship, onto a shitty little planet called Delta Vega. Delta Vega sucks. It's pretty much just ice and suckiness and more ice.

Kirk wakes up in the little pod thing they stuck him in. The computer tells him where he is, and it even specifically mentions that this place is unsafe! The hell, Spock? Why'd you send him there!? You're such a twat!

The computer instructs Kirk to stay in the pod until someone comes and gets him. I guess Spock just assumed Kirk would do that...? WRONG, SPOCKO. Kirk gets the fuck outta there, choosing instead to wander around this cold-as-shit wasteland with a fluffy parka someone packed so nicely for him.

Kirk is doing his...log...thing. "Stardate 2258.42. Or 44. Or, uh...whatever." He bitches for a minute about being marooned, taking care to prissily mentions how it was probably a violation of Security Protocol for Spock to do that. But he kind of forgets about that when he hears something go, "aoruhhhorhhh." Or, y'know...something to that effect. Kirk spins around, sees something in the snowy distance running at him. What could it be? A horse? A dog? A woolly mammoth?

OH SHIT IT'S A...WELL IT'S A GAHDAMN SCARY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONSTER, THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!

It's like a...panda...lion...wolf...vulture...bear..._thing_, with a mane thingy that reminds me of Rafiki's hair from the Lion King. It's one fugly bastard, I'll tell you that much. Scary as fuck, too. I've seen this movie a zillion times and I still can't watch this part without wincing.

Kirk agrees with me, judging by the way his face looks like :o and he starts running like hell and screaming.

See, kids? There's no shame in running away from something scary while screaming your head off! Even James Tiberius Kirk does it!

And he is adorably shameless about it, too.

**Rafiki's Distant and Fugly as All Hell Cousin:** om nom nom  
**Kirk:** AHHHHH!!!! *freaks the fuck out*

But then Rafiki's Distant and Fugly as All Hell Cousin is suddenly killed by this HUGE-ASS**_ OTHER_** GAHDAMN SCARY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONSTER, HOLY SHIT! Kirk is getting sick of this.

For some reason, the new monster just shakes Rafiki's Distant and Fugly as All Hell Cousin's corpse around before tossing it away and choosing to eat the decidedly less filling Kirk. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Kirk runs and screams some more, falls down a cliff (lol fail), gets chases into a cave, and gets caught by the monster. He's going, "Fuck my liiiife!" but HE IS SAVED! A guy shoos the monster away by waving a torch around in its face.

So the monster's gone, the guy turns around, and we see that it's ASDFGHJK AHHHH IT'S SPOCK! OLD SPOCK! FIRST SPOCK! TOS SPOCK! SPOCK PRIME! LEONARD NIMOYYYY!!! I will never stop loving this man. Ever.

Spocktimus Prime - I mean, Spock Prime - turns to see whose ass he just saved, and he is surprised!

**Spock Prime:** James T. Kirk!  
**Kirk:** Excuse me?  
**Spock Prime:** How did you find me?

He sounds offended, lolol.

**Kirk:** How do you know my name?  
**Spock Prime**: I have been, and always shall be, your friend.

Join me in squealing, "Awww!"

**Kirk:** Ha. Um. Look, I don't know you.  
**Spock Prime**: I am Spock.  
**Kirk:** ..........bullshit.

lollerskates. I love you, Kirk. I love this entire movie.

Later, Kirk isn't totally buying this "I am Spock" stuff. "If you were Spock, you'd know we're not friends. At all. You _hate_ me. You marooned me here for mutiny."

Spock Prime is surprised. "You are not the captain?"

**Kirk:** You're the captain. Pike was taken hostage.  
**Spock Prime:** By Nero.  
**Kirk:** What do you know about him?  
**Spock Prime:** He is a particularly troubled Romulan.

I was gonna say "completely batshit insane" but I guess that's not how Spock rolls. Although I do get a kick out of hearing him say "oh, fuck!" in the bloopers.

**Spock Prime:** Please, allow me. It will be easier. *gets his hands all up in Kirk's face*  
**Kirk:** Whoa, whoa, what're you doing?  
**Spock Prime:** Our minds, one and together.

I get what mind melds are, but saying that just makes them sound like kinky brain-sex.

So Spock Prime puts his hand on Kirk's face and says, "129 years from now, a star will explode, and threaten to destroy the entire galaxy."

Supernova's don't destroy entire galaxies, btw. Go back to 4th grade, Spock.

Long story short, the Romulans were freaking out because this star is about to explode and destroy them. Spock Prime was all like, "Dudes, no worries, I'll save you!" They made the _Jellyfish _(Spock Prime's awesome, spinny little ship) and made plans to use red matter to absorb the supernova before it could burn all the little Romulans to crisps. But oh shit! Spock Prime was JUST ON HIS WAY TO SAVE THEIR ASSES when the supernova destroyed Romulus! I guess his...schedule was off...? Or something?

So even though Romulus was, like, toast already, Spock Prime figured, hey, might as well use the red matter anyway! So he shot it at the supernova and started hauling ass but OH NO NERO WASS THERE AND HE WAS PISSED THAT HE CAME HOME TO ROMULUS BEING GONE! They both got eaten by the black hole. The black hole shit Nero out first into the past (the movie's present, but our future, lol my head hurts) where he proceeded to destroy the Kelvin just 'cause it was there. Then he waited 25 years for Spock Prime to show up. The time that passed for Nero was only seconds for Spock Prime, though which must kind of such for him now because he hasn't had 25 years to recover from being sucked into the past. Well, maybe he wasn't exactly leaving anyone behind...I mean Kirk and all his other human friends are dead by then, anyway.

So Nero captured Spock Prime and was like, "IT'S ALL UR FAULT!!!" and Spock Prime was like, "WAT?" Nero spared him, standed him on Delta Vega, and made him watch Vulcan get destroyed.

In a nutshell: Nero's a _dick._ D:

**Spock Prime: **Billions of lives lost because of me, Jim. Because I failed.

Hear that? That's the sound of me wailing in sympathy for Spock Prime. I can't help it! He sounds so heartbroken!

The mind meld ends there as Kirk jerks away from Spock Prime, gasping (LIKE ELLIE FROM JURASSIC PARK LOLOLOL) and looking like he's about to cry.

**Spock Prime: **Forgive me. Emotional transference is an effect of the mind meld.

Kirk staggers away like YEAH NO KIDDING looking like he's five seconds away from bursting into tears. It's really not that funny, but the contrast is so funny with Kirk feeling the magnitude of Spock Prime's pain and they react to it so differently. Spock Prime's like "o yeah im sad btw" but Kirk's over here trying not to blubber like a baby.

**Kirk: **So you do feel.  
**Spock Prime: **O bby, do I ever. BOW CHICKA WOW WOW. *sexy music*

lolol okay that didn't happen. Spock Prime actually just says yeah, he does feel.

**Kirk: **Going back in time, you changed all our lives.

...oh shit, guys. In a roundabout way, it's SPOCK'S FAULT KIRK'S DAD IS DEAD. It's never mentioned in the movie, but y'know...ouch.

Spock Prime says they've gotta hit the road because there's a Starfleet outpost nearby. He starts walking off and Kirk asks, "Where you come from...did I know my father?"

*tear*

Spock Prime says yes. Kirk Prime often said Poppa Kirk inspired him to join Starfleet, and Poppa Kirk proudly lived to see Kirk Prime become captain of the Enterprise. Kirk thinks that's cool, but Spock Prime is more concerned with getting Kirk back on the Enterprise.

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, they've entered the Laurentian system. And Bones is GRUMPY. GRRR! He's so cute.

**Bones: **You wanted to see me? *grump, scowl*  
**Spock: **Yes, Doctor.

EEE. SPOCK/BONES INTERACTION. This can only lead to hilarity. Spock stands up and walks with Bones.

**Spock: **I am aware James Kirk is a friend of yours. I recognize that supporting me as you did must have been difficult.  
**Bones:** Is that a thank-you?

Oh, I hope so! Spock thanking Bones would be adorable. Even though the tone with which Bones asked that clearly implies that he doesn't want any thanks. Spock seems to know that because he says, "I am simply acknowledging your difficulties."

**Bones: **Permission to speak freely, sir.  
**Spock:** I welcome it.  
**Bones:** Do you? Okay, then...are you outta your Vulcan mind!?

Hee.

**Bones:** Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But the _right_ one? You know, back home, we got a saying: If you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable!

...I have _never_ heard that saying, Bones. Are you implying that you want to ride Kirk? 'Cause I'm all for that!

**Spock: **A curious metaphor, Doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.

LOL Spock, always sidetracked by the analogy. SO NOT THE POINT OF ARGUMENT, SPOCKYFACE. He will never grow out of that. When he's 40 he'll still be getting distracted by metaphors. You could be trying to break out of jail with him clambering on top of your freshly lashed back and you coud say "I don't care if you could hit the broad side of a barn" and he'll just stop what he's doing and be like "...lol why would I aim for that..."

TOS fans should get that.

**Bones:** My God, man, you could at least _act_ like it was a hard decision!  
**Spock:** I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls _weeping_, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise.

BA-ZING! Spock: 1, McCoy: 0. I heart Sarcastic Spock.

Spock excuses himself, a little pissily, as Poppa Spock arrives on the bridge. Bridge grumbles, "Green-blooded hobgoblin..."

I love you, Bones. I love that whole scene, because it's so pointless. Seriously. It has no impact on the film. Now that I watch it again, it seems like Spock called Bones over for the sole purpose of just...chatting with him. He's actually _friendly_ (in a Vulcan way) to Bones, thanking him (in a Spock way) for supporting him, the way he says "I welcome it," and how he gets huffy when Bones just winds up bitching at him. Watch the scene twice. First glance, it's Bones and Spock bickering. The second time, it starts out with Spock practically going, "LET'S BE FRIENDS, I LIKE YOU!" and Bones is like, "Um, no?" and Spock is like, "Well fine then, fuck you too."

...anyway.

Kirk and Spock Prime have managed to walk over to the Startfleet outpost without being devoured by any GAHDAMN SCARY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONSTERS, which is always good. The outpost is a dingy, gross-looking place that likely has no heating at all. I feel bad for the sorry bastard stuck working in there.

Inside the grimy hallway where everything is tinged green, an ADORABLY UGLY little alien scampers up to Kirk and Spock Prime. He leads them to a bigger room while music that sounds suspiciously like music from "The Great Mouse Detective" plays. Little Green Dude - Edgar, I'll call him, since I can't remember his real name - smacks some dude who's just chillin' on the arm. btw, TRIBBLES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND HEEHEEHEE.

Heyyy, I didn't know we were watching Shaun of the Dead! Hi, Shaun! Who do you play in this movie?

"You realize how unacceptable this is?" he bitches immediately, with a...SCOTTISH ACCENT!?!?

OH MY GOD! SCOTTY! ASDFGHKAFK!!!

**Spock Prime:** Fascinating.

SEE, SPOCK PRIME'S FANGIRLING, TOO!!!

**Scotty:** I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here! Living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal!

He throws his trash around. LOL SCOTTY'S A BITCH, YOU GUYS. IT'S MAGICAL.

**Scotty: **And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing. For something that was CLEARLY an accident!

rofl oh god, Scotty, wtf did you do.

**Spock Prime:** You are Montgomery Scott.  
**Scotty:** Aye, that's me. You're in the right place. Unless there's another hardworking, equally starved Starfleet officer around.  
**Edgar:** Me.  
**Scotty:** Get aff! Shut up! You don't eat anything! You can eat like, a bean, and you're done!

BEST LINE. BRB, LOLING FOREVER. I love you so fucking much, Scotty. I truly do. I love TOS you, and I love this you. I love you all around.

Scotty thinks Kirk and Spock Prime are here to bring him some food, but they're not. Sucks for him. Spock Prime is still happily surprised at seeing a younger, adorable version of his friend "who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming." Did Scotty do all that? I hadn't a clue. Thanks, Spock Prime, never would've known without you expositioning all over the place.

Scotty is pissy because postulating that theory is what got him stationed on this shithole Starfleet calls a planet. Transwarp beaming, by the way, sounds awesome and pretty handy, so why did Scotty get screwed?

**Scotty: **I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life-form. So, I tested it on Admiral Archer's prize beagle.

Oh. That's why.

**Kirk: **What - I know that dog! What happened to it?  
**Scotty:** I'll tell you when it reappears. I don't know. I do feel guilty about that.

LOL. Montgomery Scott's absence from Earth is not mourned by the PETA. Spock Prime couldn't give two shits about the poor beagle and says, "What if I told you that your transwarp theory was correct - that it is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is traveling at warp speed?"

Scotty is all like, "If that equation had been discovered, I'd know about that shit already, stupid."

**Spock Prime:** The reason you haven't heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven't discovered it yet.  
**Scotty:** *scoff* Are you from the future?  
**Kirk:** Yeah, he is. I'm not.  
**Scotty: **Well, that's brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?

Sarcasm, yay. Quit your bitching, Scotty, you're fixin' to be a main character. Anyway, we cut away to some other section of the crappy little outpost that Scotty has led Kirk and Spock Prime to. He seems to have cheered up a bit, probably because he's made plans to get the fuck outta here.

**Scotty:** Well, she's a wee bit dodgy. Shield emitters are totally banjaxed, as well as a few other things. On youse go. So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady! I'd like to get my hands on her ample nacelles, if you'll pardon the engineering parlance.

Everybody knows Scotty wants to molest the Enterprise. Don't even worry about it, Scottyface, if Lady Enterprise were a person I'd wanna fuck her, too. Just sayin'.

What is this thing that he's leading them onto? Is it like a shuttle or is that just a transporter? I can only recall ever seeing a transporter on a ship, like the one on the Enterprise, and nothing else. Oh well.

Spock Prime is playing on the computer as Scotty talks to him, still being all skeptical and shit, but they seem to have caught him up on what's happened. Or at least that Spock Prime is from the future and that Scotty has done stuff. If they've told him about what's going on and how Vulcan has been destroyed, he's being pretty chill about it. Wtf, Scotty, that's a whole planet gone, dude. Whatevs.

He says, "Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done, which I don't, by the way, you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light without a proper receiving pad." Apparently, the notion of transport beaming is ludicrous. RLY FUCKIN HARD OK?

But Spock Prime's got this, bitches. He's like, "Okay cool here's your equation for this shit, let's get going" and Scotty's like ":o"

Kirk asks Spock Prime if he's coming with. Aww, he wants him to come! But Spock Prime says no, that's not his destiny. Wtf? Dude, you're old as fuck and you traveled 129 years into the past. Not only have you long since lived up to your destiny, you HAVE no destiny in this 'verse. You can do whatever the hell you want.

**Kirk: **Your dest... He... The other Spock is not gonna believe me. Only you can explain what the hell's happened!  
**Spock Prime:** Under no circumstances can he be made aware of my existence. You must promise me this.  
**Kirk:** You're telling me I can't tell you that I'm following your own orders? Why not? What happens?  
**Spock Prime:** Jim, this is one rule you cannot break. To stop Nero, you alone must take command of your ship.

I'm pretty sure Nero's defeat doesn't hinge on Spock not knowing about you, Spock Prime. The Earth definitely revolves around the sun, not you. (I mean sure, I'd orbit you like a goddamn satellite because I want to boink you senseless, but the rest of the universe? Nah, you're not that special.)

Kirk testily wants to know how he's supposed to take command of the ship, "How? Over your dead body?" and Spock Prime's like, "Preferably not," which makes me laugh, like he should've been like "dude what? how did me dying come into play?"

**Spock Prime:** However, there is Starfleet Regulation 619. 619 states that any command officer who's emotionally compromised by the mission at hand must resign said command.  
**Kirk:** So you're saying that I have to emotionally compromise you...guys.

Haha, poor Kirk, you know he's thinking _DUDE DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU FUCKING ARE!? HOW DO I DO THATTT D:_

**Spock Prime:** Jim...I just lost my planet. I can tell you...I _am_ emotionally compromised.

I don't know if it's the lighting or the camera angle or the way Leonard Nimoy raises his eyebrows, but Spock Prime has such big, shining puppy-dog eyes right then, and I just wanna snuggle up close to him and hold him while he cries, b'awww.

He says what Kirk has to do is get Spock to show that he is compromised. Scotty calls over and says it's time to go, calling Kirk "laddie" as he says it, which I find incredibly adorable. It's probably because throughout the movie (and in TOS) I forget how Kirk is younger than everybody, except Chekov (and maybe Uhura) and since he's not the captain right now, nobody has to call him "sir." LOL IDK.

Kirk steps onto the transporter pad, and Edgar is clinging to Scotty cutely, who gently pushes him away and says he can't come with him. Aw.

**Kirk:** You know, coming back in time, changing history...that's cheating.  
**Spock Prime:** A trick I learned from an old friend.

I can't take the cuteness! Spock Prime starts the transporter, throws up the Vulcan salute and says, "Live long and prosper."

*keels over from the awesome*

Kirk and Scotty beam away. Edgar whimpers adorably, missing his Scotty. JJDKSDKSK THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH CUTENESS IN THIS GODDAMN MOVIE. THIS IS STAR TREK, GUYS, CUT IT OUT.

Kirk materializes in the cargo bay and looks around like "awesome that shit worked!" and calls for Scotty, who...BEAMED INTO THE WATER TANK THING OMFG. DUDE, SPOCK PRIME, WHAT THE HELL?

Anyway, there's a random pointless but worrying scene as Scotty flails around, stuck underwater, but Kirk unlocks the tank and Scotty flops out. He's fine.

On the bridge, Chekov detects unauthorized access to Water Turbine Control Board, which I guess is what Kirk used to get Scotty out, and Spock sends some redshirts down to get the intruders.

HEYYY, IT'S CUPCAKE! :DDD

**Cupcake:** Come with me, _Cupcake!_ D:  
**Kirk: **FML.

They're taken to the bridge, and Spock is like WTF? "Who are _you_?" he demands of Scotty, who's just says he's with Kirk.

**Spock:** We are traveling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?  
**Kirk:** Well, you're the genius, you figure it out.

*cat hiss*

**Spock:** As acting captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.  
**Kirk:** Well, I'm not telling, _Acting Captain._

*more cat hisses* I don't like where this is going.

Kirk's got an idea. He puts on a cocky, jerkass, shit-eating smirk and says, "What, now that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation? That doesn't make you angry?" but Spock loses interest in the middle of Kirk's sentence and asks Scotty if he's a member of Starfleet. That actually makes me laugh really hard, because Kirk is in the middle of talking and Spock just starts talking to someone else. The way ZQ's face looks, it's just like, "bored now, moving on."

**Spock:** Are you a member of Starfleet?  
**Scotty:** I...um...Yes. Can I get a towel, please?  
**Me:** lol  
**Spock:** Under penalty of court martial martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.  
**Scotty:** Well -  
**Kirk:** Don't answer him.  
**Spock:** You _will_ answer me.

Ffffuck, he's getting pissed, you guys.

Scotty's just like, "I'd rather not take sides," which is funny but then Kirk jumps right into the intensity, stepping riiiight up into Spock's personal space, right into his face (hee) which forces Spock's attention back on him, and saying, "What is it with you, Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered..."

Shit, Kirk, don't go there. Just don't. You don't want to.

"And you're not even upset."

*facepalm*

**Spock:** If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken.  
**Me: **Quite a specifically specific denial there, Spock...  
**Kirk:** And yet you were the one who said fear was necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship? Do you see what he did?  
**Spock:** ...Yes. Of course I did.

I love that. I _love _it. I don't know why. Just...the way he says it! "...Yes. Of course I did." I don't know what it is! It's like...his tone, the pitch of his voice...it's not defensive, per se, but it sounds like Spock feels the need to answer to Kirk. And he doesn't have to! He's the captain, he doesn't have to answer to Kirk, but he does, and his voice is ahsjdhs IDK. IDEK. Love it.

**Kirk:** So are you afraid or aren't you?  
**Spock: **I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.  
**Kirk:** Then why don't you stop me?  
**Spock:** Step away from me, Mr. Kirk.

*covers ears* Lalalala, I can't hear them, lalala, Kirk and Spock aren't about to fight, lalalala -

**Kirk:** What is it like not to feel anger? Or heartbreak? Or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?  
**Spock:** Back away from me.  
**Kirk:** You feel _nothing!_ It must not even _compute_ for you! You _never_ loved her!

Spock shouts and PUNCHES KIRK RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE HOLY SHITTT. That's quite a fail, Kirk! Kirk staggers into Cupcake, reeling, and Spock grabs him by the front of his shirt and flings him around, coming at him with your punches. Kirk blocks some but then Spock slugs him in the stomach. Fail. Everybody's just standing around watching, too, rofl, because what human is gonna try to break up that fight? Spock's a Vulcan, he's three time stronger than a human. Poor Kirk. Spock comes at him again, screaming, with some weird kind of hit from above that Kirk blocks, but then Spock punches him again in the chest, then in the throat. Two fails. Spock punches him around the face again and then pins Kirk to some kind of station and starts strangling him. Fail. And this is some serious strangling, too, not that kind where they come around from the back or hoist the person up against the wall by their neck where it always kind of looks like they know they're gonna be stopped soon. Spock's going for the kill. Holy shit. And everyone's still just staring. BONES, DUDE, THAT'S YOUR BFF. SAY SOMETHING, ASSHOLE. Scotty's the only one who looks seriously alarmed, everyone else just looks tense. The hell, crew?

**Poppa Spock:** _Spock!_

A few seconds pass, and Spock gets a hold of himself. He lets go of Kirk and steps back, looking a lot less pissed and a lot more mortified. I'm a Vulcan who not only displayed serious emotion and acted rashly upon that emotion while I was in command of a vessel but also nearly _murdered_ a person which goes against the Vulcan belief that killing is unnecessary, how _embarrassing._

Spock looks over at Poppa Spock and then looks away, ashamed, while alllll eyes are locked on him. Jeepers. He says in a very emotional voice to Bones, "Doctor, I am not longer fit for duty. I hereby relinquish my command, based on the fact that I have been...emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship's log."

He goes for the turbolift, and Uhura starts to go after him, but he just looks at her and leaves. Poppa Spock stiffly looks around at everybody and follows his son. I like how he seems to be silently daring anyone to comment. :3

Everyone stands there for a second. Then,

**Scotty:** I like this ship! 8D You know, it's exciting!

LOL Scotty, I love you.

**Bones: **Well, congratulations, Jim. Now we've got no captain and no goddamn first officer to replace him.  
**Kirk:** Yeah we do.  
**Bones:** What?  
**Sulu:** Pike made him first officer.  
**Bones:** You've gotta be kidding me!  
**Kirk: ***sits in the captain's char* Thanks for the support.

Yeah, and I'm fine, by the way, I only got my ass kicked by a fucking VULCAN two seconds ago, thanks for asking.

"I sure hope you know what you're doing, _Captain_," Uhura sighs.

"So do I," Kirk says. He makes a shipwide announcement that he's the captain now and orders a pursuit course of the Narada, so everybody should get their shit together and be ready to fight.

Poppa Spock finds Spock standing at the steps to the transporter (where Momma Spock never got to materialize D:). Spock has managed to compose himself, but is melancholy.

**Poppa Spock:** Speak your mind, Spock.  
**Spock:** That would be unwise.  
**Poppa Spock:** What is necessary is never unwise.  
**Spock:** I am as conflicted as I once was as a child.  
**Poppa Spock:** You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this. And for you.

Oh my God. Did...did Poppa Spock just admit to emotion? Did he just admit that he loves Spock? Aw! *tear* Spock seems to respond to his father's admittance of emotion, turning to face him and saying, "I feel anger for the one who took Mother's life. An anger I cannot control." Poppa Spock comes to stand before him and says, "I believe that she would say...'Do not try to.'"

**Poppa Spock:** You asked me once why I married your mother... I married her because I loved her.

AWWW. YES. YES. YES. That is my absolute favorite part of this movie. Sarek made the most important decision in his life based on an emotion, not logic! And not just any emotion - LOVE. LOOOOVE. HE LOVED AMANDA, AND THAT'S WHY HE MARRIED HER. Call me a sap, I don't give a FUCK.

Spock looks genuinely shocked, which I find cute, and Poppa Spock leaves him with his thoughts.

I didn't realize this was going to be such a long recap, so I'll leave it there. The final chapter won't take nearly as long to get up, I swear, rofl.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK**

_Toldja I'd get the last one up soon. BOOM-BAM, BABY._

**

* * *

**On the bridge, Kirk is discussing what to do with Bones, Sulu, and Uhura while Chekov is doing some...techno...math...stuff on what appears to be a Smartboard! My geometry teacher has one of those! :D She can't use it as well as Chekov can, though. She's a n00b.

Kirk is adamant that they get aboard Nero's ship and disable it, but Bones knows that they can't just go in there guns akimbo, not with the Narada's technology being as advanced as it is. Everyone's stumped, but AHA, ENSIGN JAILBAIT HAS AN IDEA!

**Chekov:** Based on the Narada's course from Vulcan, I have projected that Nero will travel past Saturn. Like you said, we need to say invisible to Nero or he'll destroy us. If Mr. Scott can get us to warp factor 4, and if we can drop out of warp behind one of Saturn's moons - say, Titan - the magnetic distortion from the planet's rings will make us invisible to Nero's sensors. From there, as long as the drill is not actuated, we can beam aboard the enemy ship.

...lololol I didn't hear a word of what you said, Chekov. I was distracted by the adorable accent and all the W's in place of V's and GOD YOU ARE SO DAMN CUTE.

The others listen to his idea but seem kind of skeptical. Scotty comes up in a uniform (EEE!), still drying out his ears, and says, "Aye, that might work."

**Bones:** Wait a minute, kid. How old are you?  
**Chekov: **Seventeen, sir! :D  
**Bones:** Oh, oh good, he's _seventeen._ :|

Come on, Bones, he's a prodigy, he knows what he's talking about. Unless you're just pissed because he's not legal yet. In which case, you're out of luck, because my dad called dibs on him, remember?

Spock comes along then, and he seems to feel much better now that he finally got to beat the everliving SHIT out of Kirk and cry about his mom and have a nice warm heart-to-heart with his dad. He vouches for Chekov (because like everybody on the Enterprise, he wants to molest him) and says, "If Mr. Sulu is able to maneuver us into position, I can beam aboard Nero's ship, steal back the black hole device and, if possible, bring back Captain Pike."

Kirk says he won't allow him to do that, and I'm at a loss as to why, because _someone_ has to do it, right? But Spock is unruffled by Kirk shooting him down. He even seems very, very, very mildly amused. He has an itsy-bitsy just-barely-upturned-lips expression (like Leonard Nimoy would sometimes have in TOS) and simply says, "Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestry. Our cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access the ship's computer to locate the device." He pauses, and then adds, "Also, my mother was human, which makes Earth the only home I have left."

...aw. But Kirk is a very emotional person so when things are personal, then he understands more. So he gets that this is personal for Spock, and he says, "Then I'm coming with you."

YAY.

**Spock:** I would cite Regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it.  
**Kirk:** See? We are getting to know each other.

He slaps Spock's shoulder a little roughly but companionably before walking off. Spock doesn't get why Kirk just slapped him and turns to watch him leave with a "uh wtf" expression. LOLOL.

Meanwhile on the Narada, NERO HAS TARGETED SAN FRANSISCO, NOOOO.

The Enterprise drops out of warp behind Titan, I guess. Sulu tells Scotty in the transporter room that they're in position, and Spock and Kirk (plus Uhura) arrive. Kirk tells Sulu that whatever happens, if Sulu thinks he has the tactical advantage, then Sulu must fire on the Narada even if Kirk and Spock are still on it. Otherwise they'll contact the Enterprise when they're ready to be beamed back. He's so noble and sacrificing!

Kirk steps onto the transporter pad, where Spock and Uhura are busy making out. AW. And lololol, Kirk loses the girl to SPOCK, I think that's HILARIOUS.

Kirk does a double-take at the two with a really great o.O face. Who can blame him? Spock's making out with someone, that's weird. Especially if it isn't Kirk. He looks like he's not sure who he's jealous of. 8D

**Spock:** I will be back.  
**Uhura:** You better be. I'll be monitoring your frequency.  
**Spock:** Thank you, Nyota.

Kirk looks like, _What? Nyota?_

Uhura kisses Spock again and then looks at Kirk. I'm not sure what that expression is. Is it an "I hate you but good luck" kind of look? Bah, humbug. Whatever it is, Kirk nods and smiles kind of awkwardly like, "Yeah, later, uh, watching you two kiss wasn't weird at all, bye!"

lol even Scotty thinks it's weird. It's probably because he knew Spock Prime and figured Spock Prime has a thing for Kirk, heheheh. Well, Kirk Prime, at least. I would hope.

Kirk looks over at Spock, hesitating. Then,

**Kirk:** So her first name's Nyota? 8D  
**Spock: **I have no comment on the matter. :|

LOL. Way to fail, Kirk.

Scotty says he should be beaming them into the Narada's cargo bay, so there shouldn't be a soul in sight. They beam into...some place that clearly is NOT the cargo bay, and there are quite a few souls around!

AND THE PHASER BATTLE BEGINS! I love the way phasers sound when they fire in this movie. Spock and Kirk nail a few Romulans awesomely because they're Spock and Kirk, bitches.

Some guy tells Nero that there are Starfleet officers aboard the ship and that one of them is Vulcan. Nero is pissed and he calls for Ayel before taking off in the direction of the skirmish.

Kirk stuns a guy, which is just what they need to get the info they want. Spock crouches beside Kirk.

**Kirk:** I'll cover you.  
**Spock:** Are you certain?  
**Kirk:** Yeah, I gotcha.

Don't you love it our boys have each other's backs? C: We're so proud of our babies, aren't we!

Spock goes over to the unconscious guy and melds with him. A Romulan spots him and raises his phaser, but Kirk nabs him LIKE A BOSS. Win for Kirk. Kirk comes beside Spock, still covering him, and asks if he knows where the black hole device. Spock says yes, and he also knows where Captain Pike is. Yay, a twofer!

The drill is activated and starts burning a hole into San Fransisco, oh shit! Everybody at the Starfleet Academy is FLIPPING THEIR SHIT, GUYS.

On the Enterprise, Uhura sprints through the hall and shoves some guy, saying, "Move!" even though he wasn't in her way at all, rofl you're such a bitch, Uhura. I love you. Thanks to the drill, one again communication and transport are inoperative. She wants to know if Sulu still has Spock and Kirk, otherwise they won't be able to beam them back. Sulu looks dismayed, but he has his orders, and says, "Kirk and Spock are on their own now."

Nooo!

On the Narada, Kirk and Spock find the Jellyfish and scurry onboard.

**Spock:** I foresee a complication.  
**Me:** You "foresee?" Thanks, Madam Spockwami, now can you read my palms?  
**Spock:** The design of their ship is far more advanced than I had anticipated.  
**Jellyfish Computer:** Voice print and face recognition analysis enabled. Welcome back, Ambassador Spock.  
**Spock:** lolwut?  
**Kirk:** THAT'S WEIRD HAHAHA NO I DIDN'T MEET FUTURE-YOU, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT let's keep moving.

Spock asks the computer what its manufacturing origin is, and it says, "Stardate 2387. Commissioned by the Vulcan Science Academy." Spock follows Kirk and says sharply, "It appears that you have been keeping important information from me."

YOU UNFAITHFUL CHEATING PIG! *slap*

Kirk ignores Spock's accusation and says, "You're gonna be able to fly this thing, right?"

**Spock:** Something tells me I already have.  
**Kirk:** Good luck.

He starts to leave.

**Spock:** Jim.

I LOVE YOU. *passionate kiss*

**Spock:** The statistical likelihood that our plan will succeed is less than 4.3%.  
**Kirk:** It'll work.  
**Spock:** In the event that I do not return, please tell Lieutenant Uhura--  
**Kirk:** Spock! _It'll work._

Jim does not care about S/U unless he's involved somehow, lulz. He leaves, and Spock stands there like, "But...but dude srsly she's gonna...whatever, fine." He sits in the chair, and stuff starts SPINNING, YAAAAY.

**Spock: **Fascinating.

HE SAID ITTTTT AIEFJFHFJDJF. Ahem.

Kirk watches the Jellyfish take off. Can I just say HOLY SHIT, the Narada is huger than I thought!? Anyway, Kirk goes back to creepin' around in some random, drippy pipes, like he's in a sewer system. He sees Nero standing like fifty feet away, and they stare at each other. Kirk's got his phaser trained on him while they play stare-eyes.

**Kirk:** Nero, order your men to disable the drill or I will--*gets hit in the face by Ayel*  
**Audience that really isn't surprised when shit like that happens to Kirk anymore:** Fail.

Kirk falls and his phaser tumbles away to the depths of this ridiculously spacious ship. While Kirk lies dazed, Nero scampers over to him to be all menacing and shit, saying that he recognizes Kirk from Earth's history. Then he starts beating the crap out Kirk. The boy just cannot catch a break in this movie, can he!? Srsly. 99% of this movie is Kirk getting pwned, and the remaining 1% is Star Trek. I mean, yeah, Kirk can fight pretty well (I mean he took on two Romulans and Cupcake and all his cronies) but still.

We check in on Spock, who's blasting his way out of the Narada quite fabulously.

Nero's still beating up Kirk and talking about how James T. Kirk was a great man and he captained the Enterprise, "but that was another life. A life I will deprive you of, just like I did your father."

...not cool, Nerocakes.

(also, check out Kirk's face as he's being strangled. It is truly lol-worthy.)

Back with Spock, he's taking out the drill LIKE A BOSS.

**Spock:** PEW PEW PEW  
**Drill:** FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

That drill comes really fuckin' close to taking out the San Fransisco Bridge, holy shit!

Nero's still strangling our darling Kirk when some dude calls over the intercom.

**Intercom Guy:** uh that Vulcan ship we had got stolen and now the drill's destroyed sry  
**Nero:** WAT!?

Nero starts screaming, "SPOCK! SPOOOOCK!" with spittle flying everywhere, rofl. Anybody else reminded of, "KHAAAN"? Heeheehee.

Kirk gets a tiny little "lol" look on his face, too, even as he reels from nearly being strangled (again). Nero jumps off the platform onto another one and sprints away, headed for...wherever. Kirk rolls over, looks up, and sees Ayel just standing there with a big-ass gun like "o hai."

Nero tells some guy to open a channel with the Jellyfish.

**Nero:** Spock! I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance.  
**Spock:** I hereby confiscate this illegally obtained ship and order you to surrender your vessel...

lol sardonic!Spock is twelve kinds of adorable. Nero doesn't think so, as he orders his homies to destroy the Jellyfish. His homies aren't really sure about that.

**Homie:** Sir, if you ignite the red matter, you'll destroy--  
**Nero:** I WANT SPOCK DEAD _NOW_!

Is it...is it terribly wrong that Nero screaming that kind of turns me on? C:

Nero's homies launch some missiles or some shit at the Jellyfish, and Spock goes to warp...LIKE A BOSS. (Spock does everything like a boss, really.) Nero's homies are like, "Waaah, he went to warp!" and Nero's like, "GO AFTER HIM GODDAMNIT AJDHFHFJG" so they do. (Also...Nero screaming "Go after him!" kind of turns me on, too. Hee.)

Back with Kirk, he finally manages to get to his feet, and Ayel stalks forward, looking kind of like a rapist! Kirk tries to do was Nero did, jumping off the platform, only he fails and just barely manages to cling to the edge of it. It's like the cliff scene all over again! Only this time, Ayel is there to lift him up by the throat (everybody just loooves abusing this man's throat).

You guys, here comes one of my favorite little badass moments in the entire movie.

**Ayel:** Your species is even weaker than I expected.  
**Kirk:** *sounding all choked and strangled...shocker, I know* I can't...  
**Ayel:** You can't even speak. *loosens his grip* What?  
**Kirk:** *sucks in a breath* _I got your gun._

He grabs Ayel's gun and FUCKING SHOOTS HIM DEAD, AHJDHGF. IT - IS - _AWESOME._ That is worth over 9000 wins, Kirk. OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND!

But now back to Spock. The Narada has caught up with him, but Nero watches as Spock turns the Jellyfish around to face the Narada. "What is he doing?" The Jellyfish's computer tells Spock that he is on a collision course. IDK if Nero, like, heard that or something, but he decides to scream (sexily), "FIRE EVERYTHING!" and we would be worried about Spock, but what have we learned so far about our favorite little half-Vulcan, guys? How does he do things?

That's right, he does things LIKE A BOSS, so don't even worry!

Nero fires everything.

**Jellyfish computer:** Incoming missiles. If the ship is hit, the red matter will be ignited.  
**Spock:** CHILL THE FUCK OUT, I GOT THIS.

So...a shitload of missiles are coming at him. On the Narada, everybody waits to see the collision. Then, "Captain, I've picked up another ship!"

HOLY TRIBBLES, BATMAN!!! THE ENTERPRISE APPEARS RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE, DESTROYING ALL THE MISSILES TO SAVE SPOCK'S ASS! Awesome. _Awesome._ Beast mode, right there.

Kirk takes out a Romulan and finds Pike, who's still alive, YAY! Kirk is unstrapping him when a Romulan pops up, aiming a gun at Kirk, oh no!!! But it's all good, guys, because Pike - proving once and for all that he is _badass - grabs Kirk's/Ayel's gun right off of Kirk's hip and kills the Romulan in like a nanosecond!_ Guys. Pike's reflexes are kickass, even after he's been tortured! I am definitely a Pike fangirl.

Spock steers the Jellyfish right at the Narada. Nero's homies are like "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" because they know he's got the red matter and he's coming right at them!

Kirk hauls Pike up and tells contacts his ship. "Enterprise, now!"

Spock flies the Jellyfish RIGHT INTO THE NARADA. Remember, guys, no worries. LIKE A BOSS, remember?

And whaddya know! Kirk, Spock, and Pike materialize in the transporter room! Yay! Spock looks around, "Holy shit that worked?" and Kirk grins over at him, and Pike's like, "I wanna go home D:"

**Kirk:** Nice timing, Scotty!  
**Scotty:** I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before! 8D

Scotty is a Scotty fangirl. Who can blame him? He has earned that ego. Bones runs in, happy to see Kirk, and he takes Pike off his hands. Scotty's still proud of himself, calling after the crowd as they leave the transporter room, "That was pretty good!"

They're a little busy right now, Scotty, but don't worry. I appreciate you. :3

On the bridge, Chekov happily reports that the Narada is losing power and their shields are down. Kirks tells him to hail them.

The red matter, which sounds RLY FUCKING COOL, BTW, KINDA LIKE JELL-O (death Jell-O), all comes together and then FWOOM, A BLACK HOLE ERUPTS IN THE CENTER OF THE NARADA! SUCK IT, NERO!

**Kirk:** This is Captain James T. Kirk of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_. Your ship is compromised. Too close to the singularity to survive without assistance, which we are willing to provide.

He's so gallant! *swoon* Spock turns away from the screen and he and Kirk lean close to talk quietly (heeheehee).

**Spock:** Captain, what are you doing?  
**Kirk:** Showing them compassion may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It's logic, Spock. I thought you'd like that.  
**Spock: **...No, not really. Not this time.

lol Spock, I heart you. But I don't get why Kirk thinks he has to earn peace with Romulus. Romulus is fine right then. Nero's from the future, he's the one that's pissed. Really pissed, judging by the way he hisses, "I would rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you!"

And Kirk's like, "LOL COOL BEANS, LET'S GO GUYS" and orders Sulu to fire all their shit at the Narada. And they do. As the Narada is pulled into the black hole, the Enterprise helps destroy it. And we see Nero closing his eyes and standing there as all this goes on, and my heart kinda squeezes sympathetically for him because I liked him. But whatevs, he's gone now, and Kirk tells Sulu to take them all home.

Only...they're not going anywhere. And they're at warp. OH SHIT, THE BLACK HOLE IS SUCKING THEM IN TOO! Kirk calls down to Engineering and tells Scotty to get them out of there, and Scotty's running around as he says, "You bet your ass, Captain!" Scotty's a spaz, I love it.

**Scotty:** Captain, we're caught in the gravity well! It's got us!  
**Kirk: **Go to maximum warp! Push it!  
**Scotty:** I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!

You're stressing him out, Kirk, stop it!

Everyone on the bridge is looking around like "FML" as the ceiling starts to crack. Kirk tells Scotty "all she's got isn't good enough" and asks what else he's got. Scotty's panicking, looking like he's about to cry, which I find adorable, as he says, "Um! Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away, I cannot promise anything, though!"

On the bridge, an enormous crack forms in the view screen, and Kirk bellows, "DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!"

So Scotty does it...AND IT WORKS! THEY RIDE THE BLAST RIGHT OUT OF THAT CLUSTERFUCK, YEEEEAH. Say it with me, guys: "LIKE A BOSS!" The Enterprise crew escapes black holes LIKE A BOSS.

Everyone looks super relieved. The first person Kirk looks to? Yeah, Spock. :D Spock nods at him, and we know that's Spock's way of saying "YOU - FUCKING - ROCK" Then Kirk looks over at Sulu, who grins like a maniac and looks at Chekov, who simply makes me melt with glee by being CUTE AS ALL HELL.

Kirk is grinning like an idiot, and let me tell you, Chris Pine as got some damn pretty teeth! Mmph.

Now we're on Earth, where everybody is so happy that they didn't get screwed over like Vulcan. At the Academy, Spock is BACK IN BLACK. In his instructor uniform. He spots somebody and calls, "Father!" only the guy turns and we see it's SPOCK PRIME, YAY.

ZQ and Leonard Nimoy. On the same screen. I'll be in my bunk. This is too much.

**Spock Prime:** I am not our father.  
**Spock:** O.O wtf?  
**Spock Prime: **There are so few Vulcans left. We cannot afford to ignore each other.  
**Spock:** Then why did you send Kirk aboard when you alone could have explained the truth?  
**Spock Prime**: Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together...of a friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize.

I'm pretty sure they could have saved the world just as well if Spock Prime had explained the truth...

**Spock:** How did you persuade him to keep your secret?  
**Spock Prime:** In inferred that universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise.  
**Spock:** You lied.  
**Spock Prime:** Aw, I...I _implied._

I recognize that tone, Spock Prime. :3 We're all too familiar with that tone. That's your "I'm so full of crap but that doesn't mean I have to come out and _say_ so" tone. You used that tone a lot with Kirk Prime.

**Spock:** A gamble.  
**Spock Prime:** An act of faith. One I hope that you'll repeat in the future in Starfleet.

Spock says that it would be better if he resigned his Starfleet commission to help rebuild his race, now that they're facing extinction and all that. Spock Prime is like, "Nooo! D: Dude I can handle that, after all, there are _two_ of you. :3" He says he's already found a nice planet to establish a Vulcan colony on, and he urges Spock to say in Starfleet so he and Kirk can become BFFs.

I find it incredibly adorable how Spock Prime made a huge gamble (okay, ACT OF FAITH, whatever) that put Earth at risk just so Spock and Kirk would become friends. Because we all know how friendly they were in TOS.

Spock Prime starts to leave, but he turns to Spock and says, "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say..." He gives Spock the Vulcan salute, "..._good luck._"

Aww!

Cut to a bigass assembly, in which our darling dearest Cadet James T. Kirk is directed to report to Admiral Pike for duty...as his relief. KIRK IS OFFICIALLY CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE, AHHH! IT BEGINS! EEEE!

"Congratulations, Captain," says Pike. "Your father would be proud."

Let us all shed a tear for Poppa Kirk.

Everyone applauds, and we pan up above the assembly, where we see Spock Prime looking on fondly. He smiles and says to himself, "Thrusters on full..." And we cut away to HEY THE BRIDGE! 8D

It's the crew! It's the crew! Sulu and Chekov and Uhura say everything's ready, and Kirk comes out DECKED OUT IN HIS GOLD CAPTAIN UNIFORM, AHH!

**Kirk:** Bones! Buckle up!

Kirk claps him on the shoulder, and Bones rolls his eyes, but we know he loves his Jim and his preparing himself for all kinds of wacky shenanigans. Kirk checks in on SCOTTY, YAY, who says everything's cool, and Kirk orders Sulu to engage thrusters. We hear the sound of the turbolift doors, and out steps...SPOCKKK! :D

**Spock:** Permission to come aboard, Captain.  
**Kirk:** Permission granted.  
**Spock:** As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references.

And Kirk just smiles and says, "It would be my honor, Commander."

*happy sigh* Finally. My boys don't hate each other. That's all I really want.

And the Enterprise is off! And we hear Spock Prime's voiceover:

_"Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship _Enterprise_. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."_

THE END! AHSJFJS THE END THE END THE END. THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING! I LOVE YOU ALL!

So, uh, let's count 'em up...

**The amount of times Kirk failed: **41  
**The amount of time Kirk won:** 8 + 9000

Yay!


End file.
